An Ode to June

So, it's been two months. I'm quite stunned. 

Well, the first month was horrible; the latter was rather, a fulfillment. Although not totally strong, I can say that at present, I am happy. But then again, how do we define happiness?

Is happiness, the absence of sadness? I'd say no. It is rather sadness, that is the absence of happiness. You can be happy midst the sorrow, for as long as you choose to rise above it. But sadness itself does not contain any cinch of happiness. 

I know that there are times when I still get caught off guarded and tear up over the past. But as proud as a parent watching her child receive an award, I'm proud to say that I have more control over those little insane moments. I welcome such emotions and let them fly the moment they are done touching my heart, and fell bliss with having done so. They don't define me anymore...they were just a part of me. My past...bittersweet and vivid past.

Relationships are truly healing. There's so much power from the bonds we do form between each one of us. I wouldn't name them, but God knows, I'm heartfully thankful for my family and friends. Whoever you are, thank you.

And June...oh sweet June. Thank you for cradling me safely despite the storms. 

July, be good to me.

Of Wounds and Wishes

Your wishes come form your wounds. Every dream comes from a discontent. Every petition comes from a problem. Without a wound, there can be no wish. Without a discontent, there can be no dream. without a problem, there could be no petition. If everything is going well, what will you wish for? Oh, just another astounding life fact. 

So I had a great weekend. Lots of sunshine and laughter! But I think I wouldn't have experienced this if I haven't wished for it. Though I was in deep pain for the past months, everything changed slowly since the day I humbled myself to God. Or maybe, I just became receptive to His everyday miracles...because I realized...His love, forgiveness and kindness have always been around me/us...it's just that my faith needs some re-sharpening. If you know what I mean.

I wish I could write lengthily, and share to you the things that I have learned from this weekend. But my bed is calling me now, time to rest so I'll be early tomorrow for work. Nevertheless, I;m already delighted that I have nailed a happy feeling here. So I'll always remember the moments when I felt contented and happy. Just as me.

Heaven Forbid Those Tears

"Earth has no sorrow that heaven cannot heal" 

True enough, heaven forbid that I weep when I'm surrounded with the new blooms of my days. Even if I try to brood, my lips do form a smile despite the tremors. Thank you Lord, even though I cannot thank You enough. Speak to me in through the sunlight that caresses my cheeks, enrapture me with Your love through the cold wind, Mesmerize me through the stars alight the vast pitch-black sky. 

Rekindling Faith

Yesterday, I knelt down and prayed. 

Yes, after months of seemingly being an atheist...well, perhaps on face value. But deep down, I know my faith in God was never taken away in my heart. It just took a back seat when the grumpy and demanding guys called "anger" and "jealousy" stole its throne. I waited for the time that my heart would be pacified a little bit, humble enough to ask the two grumpy guys to quietly tip toe out of me. I believe they didn't left that quite easily; Nevertheless, they're gone. Finally, I can usher faith back where it should always be.

The moment I zeroed into the church's atmosphere, I just felt surprisingly happy and light. Ethereal is the word. I could actually hear the words, "Welcome back my daughter, what took you so long? I have been waiting for you". No, it's not the psychotic kind. God knows, I heard it and felt it in my heart. I did not need to say "I'm Sorry" in whatever dramatic way. All I needed to do was to go inside, sit still and feel my heart...Instantly, I just know...I am forgiven.

It made me tear up when I realized, how God loves me and each one of us, so much. That even when you have committed the gravest sin, He would be willing to forgive you just by the mere act of humbling yourself. And that makes me shameful of myself...but also wiser...that I can be more than who I was. I can be a better daughter.

I really like this line from the book/movie Eat Pray Love by Elizabeth Gilbert: "God dwells in me, as Me". And I admit, I am quite happy that we have the same notion about religion. As relayed by her, The yogis believe that the perfect religion is a mixture of several religions. We people usually gets caught into practicing our religious rituals for the sake of it, and not because it helps our spirit towards God. According to Gilbert, she believes that you can "cherry-pick" religion, for as long as you move your spirit closer towards God.

Well, I already have a proclivity towards being unconventional. I dislike labeling, stigma, stereotypical, or whatever means of classifying humans like sorting things into boxes with labels.  So it was not difficult for me to realize, that I don't really need to be strictly a Catholic (which is by all means, my birth and current religion). I can welcome any sorts of practices, with utmost respect for each religion. It does not mean that I'll be a pagan or change religion every month. I have no plans of being baptized in any other religion. All I'm saying is, I won't constrict myself into one practice. Whatever would be helpful in reviving my faith towards God, would be openly entertained. After all, God wont punish you for being a, say, Catholic, Muslim, Protestant, or whatsoever. And whatever practice or ritual are we engaging in, for as long as we recognize that there is only one God, and he happens to live within us, within everything, and even as US ourselves, I believe, the heaven's gate won't close on you.

I know I'll have relapses...and probably be still confused with these human chaos...But at least, I'm moving forward, with God by my side. And I promise...heartfully...that I will never stray again.

Oh Gosh, I can feel my halo is back. And I'm growing little wings too!

Liminal Space

Liminal Space is a term that applies to those uncertain times in our lives when we stand in the "threshold" between the "old" which may no longer work and the "new" which is not yet clear. This experience can apply to relationships, jobs, or those "bigger" issues like belief systems or the purpose and meaning of our lives. Amazingly, these are also tremendous opportunities for growth, clarity and perspective. - thanks wikipedia!

I believe that I am standing in one of the liminal spaces in my life. A lot of things in my life has changed, and are changing, internally and externally. I no longer would like to talk about what I left off in the past. After all, the past should be accessed for mere reminiscing and as a reference for future endeavors, not for blabbing about it in the present. But I honestly know, that there are open crevices in me that are yet to be filled; hopefully my present efforts of relieving my faith, dreams and love for thyself would suffice. Yet, euphoria catches me in mid-air as I muse around my new found streaks of wisdom..from failures...heartaches...And oh, I just feel so blessed to be relieved and free! 

So here I am, setting the ground for a fresh start. Yes, I do miss my old blog of four years, my sanctuary and scratching post for misery and happiness simultaneously. But this I believe, is for the better. And hopefully, this new blog of mine will reflect the "old but new me".

My real name admittedly, isn't Savannah. I'm no freaky identity-thief, I would just like to protect myself from all the evilness the Web world has to offer. I just don't feel comfortable yet, to be all out-and-about of my personal life with my colleagues at work. Anybody here feels the same? 

So why Savannah? I just loved that name..In another world, another time, if given the right, I would name myself Savannah. It just screams "me".

Now, what is this blog about? Oh, I'd leave that one for you to find out.