God's Love is My Unfailing Comfort

Each day is important as I always get to learn something new. Well, I haven't given much importance to that thought until I have come to observe the changes in the way I acquire and establish paradigms on a daily basis. With the failures and heartaches which I have been through, I know that my heart has been humbled down enough to allot some space for listening and feeling for what's outside and inside of me. Now, I could honestly pin point my share of mistakes and which are not part of my control. 

Let's say that sometimes, I tend to focus on things which I have really high regards for that I tend to neglect some more important things in which lie in the background. And I'm thankful for failing...because it made me realize that I still have a lot far more better than what I have lost. 

Friendship. They say friendship is a mutual and continuous effort of extending yourself to another.But real friends are, those who continuously support you even if you have gone AWOL. Friends that are rare to find, but worth keeping. I regret so much about giving less importance to my real friends and those acquaintances who are sincere enough to care for you. Now I know the value of friendship. And I'm never gonna take it for granted, ever again.  

I'm only human, with limited mind and heart to do well with everything. I could only so so much as to keep it open, to it's fullest capabilities and extend as much thought and love as I could. Everything else is a work of God. Despite all the mistakes and failures which I have committed, He continuously showers me with blessings and opportunities to grow and be the best that I can be. And when I'm feeling down, he cradles me with His love, through my family, friends and self-love. 

I noticed that these days, I get to pray less about my wishes...it's just so hard to say "Please give me..." when I feel comfortably happy and contended with what He has given. Rather, I say "Thank You for everything and for those to come". 

Soy Hermosa

So I was the little girl who used to wear glasses with thick lenses and silver braces. I was the little girl who quietly sits in the class, reluctant to raise her hand even if she knows the answer. I am the little girl who downplays herself and her capabilities so she could fit in with the innoncence of her classmates. However, I was the little girl who prefers to join the advance singing, dancing and piano classes because she seem not to fit in her same age-group. I was the little girl who  prefers to talk to adults than play with her friends because she finds listening to others' problems more enjoyable than playing chinese garter or volleyball. I was the little girl who was always afraid of being laughed at for her appearance, novel ideas and surname. So I keep saying that I was that little girl. When in reality is...I'm still her. 

I still feel her whenever I have to present in front of a crowd, when my opinions are being criticized, when I seem not to reach the goals which I have set for myself. I still feel her whenever I have to meet someone new, I fear of rejection, humiliation and to be unaccepted for who I am.

I no longer see her whenever I face the mirror, but I know that she's always a part of me. And I am happy that this little girl has grown up and evolved into someone stronger and accepting of her nature. For real acceptance does not come from what others think of you; rather, it relies on your willingness to accept yourself for who you are. That is something, this little girl will always be proud of. And so am I.

This evening, I have watched an episode regarding the life of Venus Raj, a Filipina beauty queen. I could identify a lot with her, in terms of the insecurities which she harbors and the social situations which led her to that disposition. I am inspired by her perseverance and faith that she will be able to prove herself worthy of acceptance from others. But what actually happened was, she learned to accept herself. And that in itself is the sole thing she needed from the very start.

They say that beauty is in the eyes of the beholder. I say, beauty is not only in the eyes of the beholder, but more importantly, in his ability to accept one's flaws and see one's potentials within.And to be able to see that, one must look into another with a humbled heart. 

Thus, I've come to realize that you cannot really please everybody; for not everybody has the eyes and heart to see genuinely. And that's okay. Because when I learned to accept myself, I already came to see and believe that I am beautiful.

A New Look; A New Perspective

I had this weird urge to cut my hair short for the past two months. But the moment I'm about to have it cut, I always get really dumb-ass scared. I never had short hair in my 22 years of existence, so this is really a big deal for me. But finally...I gave in. Yesterday, mustered up the courage to have it cut with more than half of it's length. Now I have a nice short bob cut! Hopefully, this will cap off all my efforts to create change in my life. From being heart broken, to being numb, and now to being strong and confident. Whew! I hope this lasts! 

To end this short post, I'd like to leave you with my weekly affirmation:

"Realization is a start. Changing for the better is another story. God help me with the latter."

Hoping to have a wonderful week ahead! 

Guarded

People come and go. Period.

I Want Love, Yet I Don't Want It

I have lots of random thoughts to write about. These ideas come and linger on me at any time of the day, and I think they are really worth sharing about. My dilemma is, I can't put these thoughts right away on this blog just as it comes to me. And with that, I've wasted so many ideas to share about. Oh, the pains of not having internet access everywhere! Oh, I just have to rant that these bright ideas usually visit me during my morning travels to work. When reaching a pen and my journal is almost impossible.  

Maybe I need a little break. You know, a little day off with nature. Yes, I've been thinking about going to a cold place surrounded by nature for months already. And probably next month, I'll do my best to fulfill that. Hopefully, my schedule would cooperate.

So that's about it. I'm blunt here in my blog as how I am in real life. Would you agree? I know this post is really trashy, and I reckon that it's not even worth reading even the first paragraph. But I'd love to read about these moments one day, and look back. This is just one of the days when I'm truly bored and lethargic -- and uninspired. Writer's block, as how they term it

Oh, since I've got nothing sensible to talk about, let me just tell you about what I'm feeling exactly just now. 

I want love, yet I don't want it. 

Being a girl who had formal relationships and flings since I was a teenager, with barely pausing just to be with myself, these days in celibacy is starting to chew on me. I guess...

I miss smiling from the moment when you wake up, feeling happy for no reason at all. Then you suddenly remember why...because of that someone. 

I miss cuddling, kissing, and sharing awkward turned to intimate moments with someone. 

I miss taking care, and being cared by. My desires to nurture someone are endless. 

And best of all, I miss having a reason, for doing what I do. For someone. 

Oh, the perils of the idea of being in love!

I want love to be back in my life. Well, it's not necessarily the last person that I love. It can be a new one, or whatever. Love colors our days after all!

At the height of my dreamy wishing, I know, I'm afraid. The sting of the past failure may not be present, but it's still within my reach at any time of day should I call for it.  I fear giving my whole self again to someone, then having to take my self back again should complications arise. 

I know...this is normal. Wanting Love is an essential indicator that I'm actually a normal and fully functional being. But maybe...it's not yet time.

I know I have gained enough respect for myself, and I love myself adequately now. This hard-earned self-love has helped me regain my spirit and be on my feet during those rainy days. Maybe it's sufficient...but maybe...I have to wait for God's time. *sigh

By Nature, I'm Created in His Image

I've been quite baffled over some questions regarding religion and faith lately. It's not that I feel at lost; actually, I feel confident and secured enough that God loves me even when my in couldn't keep up with my faith.

Now, tell me, does the faith that religion teaches us is extrinsic --or intrinsic? Do we have to abide by the scriptures alone, in verbatim? or does the scripture simply symbolizes what it ought to teach us, which can be found around us?

And since God is love, how do we really define love? Is it really irrational, or rational by nature?

Well, those are just few of the things that I have in mind. I have to admit, my proclivity to being skeptical and accepting to possibilities are even strengthened by reading two stimulating novels: Eat Pray Love by Elizabeth Gilbert and The Shack by William Young. Anyhow, here's a some good thought I picked from the latter (This is not verbatim. bear with me for this is my interpretation of what he is trying to say):

Pain has a way of clipping our wings and keeping us from being able to fly. But remember, a bird is not judged by its being grounded; but by it's ability to fly. 

True enough. Sometimes we forget about our capabilities, our potentials because we are so attuned to our failures and shortcomings. I'm keeping a mental note on this one, because by nature, I am created in His image.