I Want Love, Yet I Don't Want It

I have lots of random thoughts to write about. These ideas come and linger on me at any time of the day, and I think they are really worth sharing about. My dilemma is, I can't put these thoughts right away on this blog just as it comes to me. And with that, I've wasted so many ideas to share about. Oh, the pains of not having internet access everywhere! Oh, I just have to rant that these bright ideas usually visit me during my morning travels to work. When reaching a pen and my journal is almost impossible.  

Maybe I need a little break. You know, a little day off with nature. Yes, I've been thinking about going to a cold place surrounded by nature for months already. And probably next month, I'll do my best to fulfill that. Hopefully, my schedule would cooperate.

So that's about it. I'm blunt here in my blog as how I am in real life. Would you agree? I know this post is really trashy, and I reckon that it's not even worth reading even the first paragraph. But I'd love to read about these moments one day, and look back. This is just one of the days when I'm truly bored and lethargic -- and uninspired. Writer's block, as how they term it

Oh, since I've got nothing sensible to talk about, let me just tell you about what I'm feeling exactly just now. 

I want love, yet I don't want it. 

Being a girl who had formal relationships and flings since I was a teenager, with barely pausing just to be with myself, these days in celibacy is starting to chew on me. I guess...

I miss smiling from the moment when you wake up, feeling happy for no reason at all. Then you suddenly remember why...because of that someone. 

I miss cuddling, kissing, and sharing awkward turned to intimate moments with someone. 

I miss taking care, and being cared by. My desires to nurture someone are endless. 

And best of all, I miss having a reason, for doing what I do. For someone. 

Oh, the perils of the idea of being in love!

I want love to be back in my life. Well, it's not necessarily the last person that I love. It can be a new one, or whatever. Love colors our days after all!

At the height of my dreamy wishing, I know, I'm afraid. The sting of the past failure may not be present, but it's still within my reach at any time of day should I call for it.  I fear giving my whole self again to someone, then having to take my self back again should complications arise. 

I know...this is normal. Wanting Love is an essential indicator that I'm actually a normal and fully functional being. But maybe...it's not yet time.

I know I have gained enough respect for myself, and I love myself adequately now. This hard-earned self-love has helped me regain my spirit and be on my feet during those rainy days. Maybe it's sufficient...but maybe...I have to wait for God's time. *sigh