Heed

Perhaps I am accountable of clarifying my contentions in my previous post. Suffice to say, I am currently compelled to search for the truth and determine which belief is right. 

I descended from a family of Catholic devotees. Admittedly, majority of my kin are not even church-goers, they are simply Catholics as far as their birth certificates bestows them to be. Some of our cognates have even ventured into other religious sects. Yet, our family remains to be a Catholic household. Consequently, I was raised in the Catholic tradition and educated in Catholic Schools. To be honest, I am not fully devoted to my birth right religion and I am most certainly not the type of person who would exhaust myself on debates to defend the Catholic dogma. I do not however, loathe it in any other way. But in utmost sense, I am just simply a person who believes that human-founded institutions have nothing to do with my internal faith in God --nothing to do with what I feel whenever I pray. As a child, I have always felt that I could pray without much effort. The feeling of having intimate correspondence with God is something very emotionally-laden to me that I could not even explain it verbally. I could also not explain the happiness that I feel whenever I sit or kneel in silence and utter my words of gratitude and praise for His deity. Honestly, I have always preferred praying over attending the Holy Eucharist. Regardless of my being a Catholic or not, I know that I sincerely love God...and living my life as modestly as I can is enough to justify that I am His daughter. 

Months ago, I could still remember the rage that I felt when He took away a very significant person from me. I could almost be an atheist for despising priests, the Church and even the crucifix. I did not even mind if I would go into hell for cursing. Whenever I recall those times, I can't help but cry and feel guilty for being selfish and demonic.

I also remember the day when I humbled myself before Him and asked for pardon. Although I was unworthy of forgiveness, the instant feeling of peace in my heart made me aware that he has accepted my plea. I then meekly promised Him that I would never go astray again, and asked for His help so that I may continue to reconcile my relationship with Him. 

Surprisingly, God had quickly answered my prayers. To simply put, he had currently offered me an opportunity to embark on a new kind of faith. Although I know that I am headstrong about my personal beliefs, it is still enigmatical that I find myself reaching out to this new faith as if responding to God's call. I must admit that my mind is still somewhat skeptical; There are still bits and pieces which are difficult to digest especially when it contradicts the doctrines that I had been living for my 22 years of existence. Despite such, I am continuously opening my mind to some paradigm shifts. To cite a few:

• From a previous eclectic outlook on religion, I now believe that genuine relationship with God starts with membership in His real Church...
• I now believe that venerating other mediators is unnecessary in terms of communicating with God. I would rather pray to God in the name of Jesus because the latter is the sole mediator and not the roster of saints or whatsoever. 
• That praying should be heartfelt and unique to each situation, it is never repetitious by nature.
• That God's Kingdom is not about this world
• I also discount every tradition that is not written in Bible -- which sadly includes my most favorite occasion, Christmas.
• And although I still give importance to Mary as the mother of Christ, I would not bestow her with Godly devotion, because that is very pagan
• And that obedience is an act of loving God.  

I would also like to confess that this current awakening makes me scared. I know that continuing this would give me a lot of responsibilities and conflicts along the way. Still, I choose to listen to Him...because I simply cannot deny the elusive happiness that I feel whenever I listen to His words. Despite the inconveniences this trial has been imposing on me, I completely entrust my capabilities to withstand this to Him..because I know that he would help me make sound decisions..especially when my family's salvation is at stake.

With all these, I am fervently bow down and pour my heart out in a silent prayer...

God...

I learned to open my heart a bit and I found you there. You never left. You're with me.

As I sit on my bed and offer you my nightly prayer, sadness haunts me...fills me up with this melancholy that is too overwhelming to suppress. But as I close my eyes and put my palms down on my lap, I feel encapsulated in something very peculiar yet undoubtedly familiar. I'm not alone. The cold wind gently caresses me, further affirming your presence. Whenever I feel safe, I can feel You...Though in great sadness, I know, Your love keeps me safe. I am safe.

My dear God, thank you for making me cognizant of Your will..Although I feel weak and unworthy, please give me the courage to act upon it, regardless of the challenges that I may face..I am afraid God...I honestly wish You could have given me an easier route...This is giving me too much pain....But that is just my humanly nature speaking....You know that I am Your servant...and that I swear to obey You. I won't give up. I promised You I never will again. 

Often times I want to never wake up. I wish to regress and escape the world. But the morning sun smiles so brightly, I cannot resist but smile back. Though it cannot give me a helping hand, it's dire presence relieves me. I can see a hope...Of a new beginning. 

One day I know, I'll be worthy of calling You my Father.

Searching For His Will

Few months ago, I struggled to reconcile my faith in God. I believed that I had resolved it by humbling myself before Him, asking for His kind forgiveness.  He immediately answered my prayer by sending a burning love in my heart, eager to serve Him again and forever. I thought that His forgiveness is the best thing that I  have received for the past months. Much to my awe, He offered me so much more. He offered me opportunities where I could seek for Him, for His love, for His kind will for a sinner that I am. 

I must admit that I do not have the ample intelligence to understand what He wants me to do in an instant. Nor am I a prophet to interpret His words. I am a simple sinner, who yearns for Him everyday because He is my strength and everything. 

but...

You know it is "His will", not because it's irrefutable; not even because it is apparently pleasing; and most certainly not because it concurs with your own prejudice. Only a humbled heart knows that it is "His will" because it is in harmony with one's inner peace which extends far beyond the human comprehension or any attempts to further justify it. 

God, I am heartfully grateful for everything that You are  providing me. In the midst my confusion on the human-founded religious institutions, I know that one thing remains true and irrevocable --There is no place where You do not reign and cannot be found. Please help me stay humble so that I may be receptive to and accepting of Your will.