A Half Day in Solitude

Three months ago, I wrote on my journal "How do you let go and fall in love at the same time?" And three months ago, I held that statement since that was the time when my former beau and I were spending out last days together in Intramuros, a special place for both of us. And yes, that was the time when we were utterly expressing our love for each other while saying our long goodbyes. Actually, reminiscing those moments felt like watching a sad romantic movie. (You know like those old american romantic movies in black and white. The mushier, "corny-er" -- better depiction)

And yesterday, I went back to that place. By myself. I just had to unload the residual feelings from moving on to a place where I know those emotions are entwined. I just had to deal with my feelings on "our spot", cry with it, sulk in it, and after hours...leave it there. I was very emotional and I won't deny that at some point, I began to get teary-eyed. The mere sight of the place truly brings back a lot of wonderful memories, which sadly are, just memories now. 

As I sit on the wall over looking the Manila City Hall and the vast golf course, I closed my eyes and let the feeling of the cold breeze take me. I tried to feel him beside me, so I could talk to him, for one last time. I wrote him a long, tearful, but loving letter..as if I was really talking to him. I wish he could read it. But maybe..I should let him go on with his life, and try not to drag him back to "our past". 

After the hours of saying my final goodbyes to him, I was able to smile and appreciate the beautiful place. Maybe, this will always be a special place for me. Me, alone. And maybe, yes, you can let go and fall in love at the same time. Let go of the sad and resentful feeling while you fall in love with the feeling of hope and peace. 

Perhaps, you can't really ask for closure from another person. Maybe, we are all meant to make our own efforts to find closure to every painful event. Because in doing so, we find our way to the new chapters of our lives. 

This is my way of saying goodbye. "Thank you for the wonderful memories" and "see you  around". 

Why People Grow Apart

People change, feelings change. It does not mean that the love once shared wasn't true and real. It simply just means that sometimes, when people grow, they grow apart. - 500 Days of Summer

I know the feeling of falling in love and falling out of love -- because I have experienced it too. As much as I regret, yes for once, I had to leave another person not because I didn't loved him. We just grew apart. So for my recent failed relationship, I'm trying to rationalize, as to why he left. Sometimes I do doubt if during our happy times, he was just pretending. But maybe....

Maybe what we had was real, I would like to believe it was. 

Somehow, I'm less quizzical about my past relationship. 

Moving on with my life doesn't mean that I do forget my past, nor deny it. I have accepted the fact that no matter how beautiful it was, it still had to end. And in this reality, we're two different beings who is bound to take on two different paths.

Still I'm thankful. I won't be who I am today if it wasn't for him. 

Maybe I'll have another one, who would make our memories fade as we build the best ones. One day, you'l simply be an old friend to me.

One thing is certain, our past was real and it did happen for a reason.

Missing Sunshine

It's been raining hard all day and night long.

Apart from the weather today, I've been missing sunshine. It's been two weeks since I witnessed a beautiful and warm day. Manila is in turmoil as a lot of areas have been flooded. In times like these, PRAYER is our strongest hope. God please graciously help our fellowmen. God, please help us.

I am staying at home with my family as work and school has been suspended. I got the whole day to rest and browse through blogs. In the middle of this chaos, I found one enlightening blog post from this website.

Don't wait. Early in my career, I went to numerous meetings where I was the only woman present. i would want to contribute to the conversation but would think, if I say that, everybody will think it's really stupid. And then an man would say exactly what I hadin mind and the other participants would find it brilliant. I learned that you shouldn't wait to speak. I started listening actively, knowing that I was going to comment on something and having it in my mind that I would interrupt at teh right moment. - Madeleine Albright

There's some truth abouth the statement: It's not what you say but how you say it. 

Take a deep breath and walk into the room with confidence, knwing that you've earned the right to be there. Speak with great intention even though you know that not eveybody is going to like what you say. And that's okay. Instead of getting defensive when someone yell at you, let him or her present his/her side of the situation. There's a real power in being the calmest voice - Kimberly Davis

There's No Such Thing As Forever

Stories about death makes me tear up so fast, even If I'm not related to those people. Its still difficult to digest whenever I get to realize that the dear people we have in our lives right now won't always be there for us...which may not be an active choice; It's just the way things go. Having said that, I further realized that perhaps, it's the notion of saying goodbye that I abhor. We could only do so mush as to cherish each moment we come in contact with other people's lives, may be it an acquaintance or an old pal.

In line with this, I'm going to give myself a chance to break it's silence...So it's been a while...

I've been doing great actually. Been living my life even better than how I have envisioned my life after you. but I won't deny...Yes, I still miss you at times...I still care. I still hope you're always sheltered whenever it's raining. I still hope you're smiling even under a cold night. I still hope you're well. I guess...I always will.

I wish I could tell you those things...I wish I could answer your message...I wish.

But. maybe...

Silence is my way of telling you...that you must live too. That you can do it too, on your own. That I support you, in your decision to move forward, to the life that you think suits you best. That I also wish you to have your own peace of mind...as part of my never ending care...for the man that I once cared for.

Even if it costs my own happiness.

There's no such thing as forever. One day, we'll all have to go. But I'll am very happy and contended that for once...we have touched each other's lives. 

Move forward. Live. Smile.