Unsolicited Rigmarole

Five years ago, when i began writing-blogging-doodling (whatever you call it), I was nervous. And i'd be lying if I didn't say I still get a bit apprehensive each time I click "publish." Aside from worrying about my grammar, space indention, and spelling, I get anxious when I think about people reading about things that I don't necessarily share in "real life." You see, in real life, i have a thick outer shell that encapsulates my being -- my introspect, my kaleidescope, my core, my soft spot. 

Vocabulary-wise, being headstrong is different from being tough. You can't block emotions just as how you could block and contradict thoughts. So, I'd say, I'd rather fake a smile than get down with the nitty gritty mishaps of life and break down right in your eyes. 

The problem with this tactic? The problem with pretending it's all sunhine and roses? People believe you. They don't know if something hurt your feelings if you just shrug your shoulders and laugh it off. It's not their fault. I can't expect anyone to know the difference. Afterall, who could have cared to penetrate that stubborn outer shell?

The thing is, my blog -- It's given me a place to write about the things which are hard for me to come about in the "real world". I'm extremely timid and private when asked about my feelings, or when people get to read about it. Yes I'm pretty selective, I have a handful of people to whom I could entrust to share about what I feel. And this includes my journal (old school and dusty) and my blog. 

Here's the other thing: it's so much easier to open up about things here, to people I've never met, but are much much supportive and less judgmental about me. At the most, I'm freed from conforming into other's boxes about me. It helps me grow and morph into a better me, or at least, someone I would like to be. 

However, this also leaves me feeling vulnerable. 

Once I had a friend who told me that if a guy has a crush on me and sees my blog, it will scare him off. That really bothered me, so I almost took down on my blog. 

But then after a little thought and head-scratching, I'd still say, I don't care. Or it's more like "I'll try not to care." I'd rather have my blog than to be conscious about what guys would think of me. Label me a geek, a nerd, a monk (if you wish, because at times, I like to talk about God). I'd rather date my laptop if that's the case. 

I know, my blog is just another blog full of rigmarole, but I'm still pretty proud. 

My Eternal Sunshine. 

And it's not about being prolific. It's about being sincere.