More than Just "Different"

          I was able to get a glimpse of what it really feels like to be a patient, especially with a very rare kind of disorder such as “Encephalitis Lethargica.” As mental health advocates and practitioners, we only get to infer about the disorders of patients based on what can be observed-- their affect, gait, reflexes and all things tangible and measureable. But within a patient’s insight, imagine being entrapped in a cage wherein you can see the light, but unable to move and help yourself. With that, I realized that perhaps, the DSM V (Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders: 5th Edition) could accurately diagnose patients according to what we can see; but that is only one dimension of the truth.

Pity is not care. They need "genuine understanding" more than "labeling" (diagnosis) and all the medical jargon. 

It is important for us to always remember that humans are bio-psycho-social beings. Therefore, if one is sick, it is not only the physiological system that is affected; it always has a downright negative effect on the psychological and social functioning of the person. Medicine could only do as much as to remedy the chemical imbalance in the brain. But if the other two aspects such as the psychological and social functioning are not given importance, it more likely that the patient will have a relapse. In a simpler sense, it essential to provide encouragement to the human spirit by means of cultivating one’s psyche and building on lasting relationships with other people. If such aspects were adequately fulfilled, it will be easier for people to cope up with problems; hence, less mental disorders.

I smirk out of frustration and angst against people who laugh at persons with disabilities and disorders. Despite their illness, they are still human beings; they can think and feel like we do, only that theirs are more primitive. People need more than what medicine could give as a cure; all the more, they need fellow human beings to lift them up by means of simple kindness or empathy. To be able to experience the simplicity "life" offers  for them is already healing in itself.

Consequently, I realized how we take the “freedom” that we have as normal beings for granted. Perhaps, one of the hidden reasons as to why we have people with disorders, is to make others realize how blessed we are to be given sufficient liberty to live the life we want. It is surprising that these kinds of lessons should come from those who are handicapped, physically or mentally.

Healing Scars

I've learned some things about forgiveness yesterday that just strucked me right smack at the center point of the ball park.

Forgiveness is not about crossing some lines off your list of mistakes...

Forgiveness is absolute...

Forgiveness leads relationships to greater paths...

Forgiveness starts with yourself.

And maybe that is why I find it so difficult to forgive people. Because I also have a hard time taking guilt off myself. Consequently, I cannot simply forego of negativity, and worse, I carry it on like a large rump sack hovering on my shoulders. 

And thankfully, that lead me to understanding what I had been feeling for days already. Ok, so I'm scared. Really scared. Say, I'm in a point where I can almost feel that I'm giving my whole self again to "insert thing/person." And that leaves me so scared -- to trust again. And I reckon that it's because I haven't really forgiven myself yet, for making a mistake of wanting/loving something/someone (ok, I'm not ready to clear this one out here. sorry. so let me sound vague) and hurting myself along the process. Yes, I blame myself for things, for almost everything. Which is not really healthy. And which, leaves me looking distant and indifferent to people/things which are in reality, very dear to me.

So I guess that for the next days, I have to try to be kind-er to myself and little by little, accept that being hurt was not all my fault. And oh, be less grumpy and indifferent. 

Leveling Off

Say, I'm in a point where I'm starting to question if attaining success and dreams are really possible. I've always thought that my current job has always been my "dream job," and that this is en route to a bigger scheme of achievement. I don't know if I'm setting my bars a little too high or low, but what's clear to me right now is that, I'm not happy. And as much as I want to delude myself that I'm perfectly contended with being one of the youngest in my field, I could barely whisper that I'm proud of myself and what I have become. 

Yes, I'm proud of what I have gone through, and getting everyday. Sure, I get nice pay check. Sure, I get the entitlement that I've been wanting since four years ago. Sure, I get to fulfill my life goal of helping people. Sure, I can get on with work despite my daily stress. 

But no, I'm not proud of crying every day after work without knowing why.

I'm not proud of getting grumpy without knowing why.

Simply put, I'm not happy.

I'm not sure if this is just "stress" creeping on my nerves and making me all defiant to do my tasks..I'm not sure If I'm really wanting something else.

But I'm sure that whatever this is about, I should not shrug it off. I should deal with it deeper. And perhaps sulk in it if I have to. 

Thus, I'm officially deferring my judgment and plans..Despite my inclination to be obsessive compulsive, I know that at this point, I have to go beyond being level-headed.

This isn't about love, nor myself. This is about what I want to do for the rest of my days, or life. 

I have to know what's in my heart. 

On Tip Toes

I've always been a ball of chaos. I like beating the red light, deadlines, piling up one task before finishing another, doing three things all at the same time and just as if all the tension's not enough --- there I go sashaying my way to another pile.

The problem is unconsciously or sub-consciously, I could suddenly get all fed up and gravitate towards being in a stupor. Which is cool, when you're 18 and could flunk one test (and ace another one to make up for it). But so un-cool and irresponsible, when you're 23 and already working for your money. 

B-A-L-A-N-C-E. Big word. (sorry John Lloyd, it's not TRUST, dumb-o)

How do you create a balance between trying to be responsible and trying to keep your happiness? How do you keep sane when you talk to insane people all the time? How do you reoconcile things which are always competing from each other, in order to make it to you "top priority" slot? 

How do you keep on being a normal, regular, decent person?

How do you veer away from making mistakes??

If I stop trying to make things right, then, I would not be susceptible to committing mistakes, because there's no "correct thing" anyway.

Maybe Keri Smith was right afterall. Here on, I vow:

1. Not to try to create something beautiful

2. Not to think too much

3. To Continue under all circumstances

and best of all...

4. try not to reach for the top, but rather, keep things in balance. 

When Life Is Being a Bitch

You get up.

Take a shower.
Catch your breath.
Force yourself to eat something.
Put on your sassiest lipstick.
Remind yourself to breathe.
Say hello.
Hold your head high.
Be yourself.
Say Goodbye.
Send along your love.
Give yourself some peace.
Thank God for what was.
What is.
And what will.
You continue to love.
You exhale slowly.
Keep your eyes forward.
And at every heart beat,
Take a step.
Then the next.

You march on.

And if you stumble,
You know what to do.
Grab the world by the lapels,
And kick ass.