Walk of the Heartless

Today, I asked something that I had been asking over and over again for the rest of the year...

"How many times do I have to walk away from my heart?"

And as I frantically search for an alternative, the truth glares in desperation. As I pile up on things which are supposed to please me, none of it can even cause a bit of spark. Because deep down I know, I lost the very sole thing that feels...and worse, I cannot retrieve my heart from where I left it off. No matter how unfair it is for myself, I know I shouldn't. 

It is never easy...the thing that we do, whenever we have to chose between what is righteous versus what feels right. I reckon that the most difficult discrepancy in life lies between what the mind says and what the heart feels. To reconcile these things, it takes centuries of wisdom and maturity...and all the more, faith and courage. 

Maybe, it is not yet the time for me to know the answers..Maybe it takes a little while of walking without a heart in order to recognize your thoughts, and it takes walking with only your heart in order to fully understand what comprehension fails to reach. Who knows...

All these questions, I reconcile spiritually through a humble prayer. 

Inner Wisdom

I have this irrefutable urge to go away for a while, perhaps sit around along with nature and succumb myself under the spell of a good book. That is how I retreat away from my worries..away from responsibilities..away from heartaches...away from the world. I thought that would give me comfort. Turns out, facing reality is the only way out. Maybe, what I should be doing instead is, having a little retrospection on how I was as a daughter, a sister, a lover, a Christian, a psychologist, and most, as a person. out of the many hats that I get to wear everyday, it is sometimes a struggle to get in touch with my inner self when I'm being driven to outwardly on my responsibilities. 

I would not deny that 2012 had indeed gave me a lot of spanking on the head, which on the contrary, made me feel more worthy of being a person. As I have read, "The only whole heart is a broken heart."In fact, although I went through a lot of psychological maladies, I could actually say that I had been on my strongest knees for this year. And by now, I have learned that by myself, I am weak. But with the grace and mercy of God, I am strong. 

Perhaps, there is some truth in saying that each one of us has an inner wisdom - a God given gift that can be likened to a compass which will guide us when we lose our ways and ourselves.  I thought reading books would inspire me to keep going through life. Sometime this year, a classmate told me that it is good to keep a journal of prayers. So I tried to incorporate prayers in my writings. Little did I know that my humbly written journals would actually quench my thirst for inspiration..because after all, they are all from my very own experiences and insights.

Excerpts from my 2012 journal:

June 9, 2012 

Let me begin by saying, Gracie Mille for all the blessings and hope J 

Perhaps I cannot get a sense of my connection with God as of now. Because I barely tried to pray. I still feel angry or sad or hateful about my failed relationship. But maybe, God’s way of helping me is manifested through the unbelievable strength that I still have despite the pain. The unbelievable hope that I still carry with me despite the failures. Perhaps Elizabeth Gilbert was right when she said “God dwells in me, as me.” Do I need to go somewhere to seek Him? No, because God rests inside of me. My own hands who does the work and helps me are the loving hands of God. All I have to do is open up my heart and feel Him inside me. Perhaps I’m not totally ready yet to let Him get through me. The love that He showers on me is overwhelmingly strong that it makes me stumble in awe. But I know that in a matter of time, I can finally gather the courage to surrender myself to Him. I don’t know where I get these things. I just know.  ***

June 10, 2012 

As a reflection from what my friend told me, somehow I no longer feel the angst against God. I realized that I was a fool because of myself, not because of God. In fact, I got hurt because I did the exact opposite of what God wants me to do. And I think God for opening my eyes and heart to receive the truth. The truth is humbling and liberating as well. Now I feel better and more convinced that I have to strive to love and enjoy this life as me. Because the most genuine friend I’ll ever have after all is, myself.

I apologize God for my stubbornness and angst. I come before you although full of sins, but humbled by my human weakness. Guide me Lord as to how I could find my way back to You. Teach me forgiveness, as how You are forgiving of my sins.

Most, Thank you Lord for never giving up on me. Thank you!***

Sometime in July 2012:

“I cried when I saw him happy. Maybe when you really love someone deeply, it’s enough to see him happy. Even when his happiness costs your own.”***  

A letter to myself for August 2012: 

If things never changed, there would be no butterflies. Changes everyday had been made and it continuously works its magic. I never thought that I would be happy even without a significant other. Now the world seems wider, there’s so much potential in every single entity in this world. 

You’re very blessed and talented; God has provided you with a lot of sincere people who’s got your back. Don’t be afraid that you won’t please everyone - because you won’t and it doesn't matter. Just do what you can and what you love. No one looks stupid when you’re having fun

Live every moment and treasure every friendship. Do not succumb to heartaches and mistrust. The world is chaotic enough to lure you of its mishaps; you don’t have to be a part of it. Always listen to your inner wisdom and kindness. That’s God’s gift living inside you. Always know that God is your unfailing comfort. *** 

August 20, 2012 

“In my efforts to understand you more Lord, please guide me that I may have the wisdom to judge soundly. Give me the courage and humility of the heart to accept what you want me to do Lord. Bring me to Your light, My God.” ***

August 21, 2012 

“Always remember that happiness is a continuous effort”*** 

November 1, 2012 

You really have matured as you now have ample complacency and can withstand to restrain irrational impulses. With that, you are more receptive to what God is telling you. Continue your search as to what He wants you to know. Even if things are confusing to you, remember that the truth contended by God is always warm in the heart, Find Him there. Search for God within you. 

Understand that perhaps, before He gives you the one He has destined to be with you forever, you must first search him. So that your future intimate relationship will be centered in Him, and that you may remain faithful and worthy of love in the eyes of God.  

Enlightenment comes in those who are humble enough to receive the truth. Find your best to tap the innate wisdom God has given you. In order to discern for the truth. Let go of anger, heartaches and rejoice yourself to the Lord. Trust Him with all your heart. He dwells in you as He does in the Church. Trust Him and He will lead you the way to His will. ***

I could go on and on and type all the entries which I have written. but I just have to select very few of my favorite ones. Reading through, I could not even half believe that these were from my own head. All I know was, I was depressed and down. I didn't know that I was strong. And wise. Maybe that wasn't me. That was God's love working on me. 

If I would sum everything that up, my experiences for this year have thought me a couple of values which I thought I know so well, but I never really have genuinely felt. 

...To survive...

...To heal...

...To trust...

...To connect...

These are basic things which are so common we could almost throw it in the backseat along with our usual way of living. but having gone through a lot of pain, these basic things are my hard earned lessons, which I hope to remember as I go on with life. 

There's a reason as to why things happen. There's a reason as to why things are. And with all these challenges, despite my shortsightedness on  God's reasons, I can warmly say, Gracie Mille Father, a million thanks. 

"My thoughts are not your thoughts. Neither My ways are your ways. For as heavens are higher than the earth, so are My ways higher than your ways. And My thoughts higher than you thoughts." - book of Isaiah

I continuously trust you God...help me survive..help me heal...Keep me in Your loving hands. 

Despite The Storms

In everyday situations, I know that I am obliged to think and act as an adult. However, it can sometimes be hard when I can feel my inner child easily hurt. i wish I could assure it that we can make it through the day and that tomorrow will be another chance to make things better...

Today I attended a thanksgiving celebration. Honestly, I was very much pissed while I was on my way to the church. Consequently, I felt bad about everything as if there is no right thing that has ever happened in my life. Yet, I find myself still thanking God for cradling me, despite my weaknesses. Although I feel unworthy...God continuously showers me and my family with blessings.

I'm sorry Father, I'm Sorry. 

And with all sincerity, Thank You. 

Inner Conversations

Half of Me says:

Just because someone left you, doesn't mean that you have all the right to block people away from your heart.

Always remember that you are never alone.

People should not be taken for granted...

Not the ones who love you.,,

Not the stranger who chased you for half-block to tell you you've dropped something...

Not the one who holds the door for you...

Not the one who asks you if you're feeling okay...

Not the one who asks you to dance when he/she notices you're kinda feeling awkward of being alone...

Their actions are not inconsequential; they are what it means to be human, a state so common that it's rather easy to forget how extraordinary it can be.

Remember it always, remember how bland and unsatisfactory and meaningless life would be without humanity.


The Other Half of Me responds:


The truth is...I care and I always will.

I'm not the type of girl who will let people walk out of my life and pretend that they don't matter anymore...

I may not like that person anymore or talk to him or her, but I still care.

I'm always going to think back to my life and say I wondered what happened to so and so...

I hope they're all right.

I will actually mean it.

That is the type of person that I am.

Once you're in my heart, you're there forever.

You Restore My Soul

How Urgent It Is To Rest

I have to blog...

Just because I find it impossible to concentrate on what I have to do when I'm preoccupied with what I feel. And I hate it. I really do.

Despite of the large bulk of work load that I have devour myself into, I find myself staring blankly at my computer screen, waiting for this "thing" to die.

How do you force yourself to be objective when you feel intensely emotional?

No, I'm not about to cry...that is far from what I feel right now. But yes, I feel scared.

and alone.

and I feel like clutching into something...whatever that something is.

I know I need to take a grip of myself...

and this is already to vague.

But...

maybe..

the best thing you could really do for yourself is to stop chasing things which you don't deserve.

Enough said.

I really need to keep moving.

Tick tock tick tock.

Back to work. 

Is Destiny God's Will?

I had been very transparent here that I have been trying to be receptive to God's will. Setting aside everything else, it all boils down to clarifying my religious orientation. Well..this morning, I wondered around my old blog..and I happen to find a post dated back in December 5, 2010 when I was also motivated to find His will for me. Only that back then, I was referring to His will regarding my love life. cheesy.

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Is there a thing such as meeting the right person, at the right time, and everything around you will just simply fall into place, as how "destiny" brings it?

Does finding love entails waiting on the porch in a lovely evening, as you stare in the stars, hoping that on the next minute, your destined love will suddenly stand next to you, and you'll instantly knew, you met the one

Is there really such a thing as destiny?

Are the stars in the sky made to tell us our fate, our soul mate?

Or is it more of, a choice, a choice of who you must love, who you want to spend the rest of your life with, and who will you die with?

If you will let destiny be done on its own, then how would you recognize the right person, the right time, the right fate?

We think God's will is found out there, somewhere in the stars. That's not true. God's will is found within. Ultimately, God's will is your deepest desire.

Mahogany song, playing in the background.

I got so much thoughts racing through my mind. I'm afraid, my fingers can't keep up typing all of these. nevertheless, you get the gist.

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I should have known...that God's will was to find Him first...because above all, love is to be found in Him. Perhaps I was so focused on being around with somebody for all these years that I never really realized how important it is to build on my relationship with God first. 

Although I am such a late bloomer with this, still, I'm thankful that God has opened this opportunity for me to find Him. Despite the depression that I am having for months already, I know He will accompany me through this. After all, only He knows what surprises are in stored for me for the next days, next year..and so on. 

I Trust you God. 

Mind Games

I don't expect myself to come up with a particular topic whenever I blog here. I prefer it this way, spontaneous, unframed, yet somehow straight to the point.

First of all, I don't understand why some people prefer to play mind games rather than saying their concerns or feelings directly. And I hate that. There's a fine line between being tact and being pretentious. Never mix them up. And oh, just a nifty piece of advice; if you are going to conceal something or lie, make sure to do it with your face. Man, your nonverbal cues are way too easy to decipher. Care to make it a little less obvious?

 Well of course, I cannot expect everyone to be as truthful as possible. I cannot impose my morals here anyway. And perhaps, they have a damn good reason behind the hypocrisy. It's just that...it really pisses me off. 

Second, I realized that it's already December --thank you alarm clock, you always give me some useful reality check. As I was saying, it's already my favorite month! At last, the last month for 2012!!! I'm really excited to end this year. Puh-leeeaaaassseeee. Alright, let's try to examine my feelings about 2012 in a somehow objective way. Read: Timeline

2012 on a Recap

January 

I have a nice new red hair, wardrobe and energy. Actually, I really like January. Only that, most days I had skin asthma so I had to wear sunglasses to cover up the redness around my eyes. 

Rating: =) =) =) =) =)

February

Hmm.. the so-called love month? Yup, I remember receiving flowers and chocolates. I remember giving people at work little heart cards...Then..I resigned from my first job in the Industrial field, and moved out from Eastwood. I remember saying goodbye to dear people in Eastwood..that part makes me sad. Then good stuff, I had my final interview for my dream job..

Rating: =) =) =) =) =(

March

I was a little bored from staying at home...luckily, I received a call and dang! I got a new job..my dream job :)))) This was a huge turn-around for me...I also remember having really good time with the family of my boyfriend then. And the latter and I went to mass --miracle?? I was just very happy during this time...little did I know that that was the last month.

Rating: =) =) =) =) =)

April

This month was way way challenging for me. This is the start of my misery. 

@ work: I really had a hard time learning how to do what we do now. Ok, just because I like to do it, doesn't mean that it would be easy. 

@ my personal life: D-I-S-A-S-T-E-R. My boyfriend then told me that he would be leaving me. I was just really shocked. For the first time in my life, I actually begged someone. Epic.

Rating: ='( ='( ='( ='( ='( ='( ='( ='( ='( ='( ='( ='( ='( ='( ='( ='( ='( ='( ='( ='( ='( ='( ='( ='( ='( ='( ='( ='( ='( ='( ='( ='( ='( 

May

@ my personal life: So I was unsuccessful..and the boyfriend left me. I resorted to a lot of bad things...yes..let's insert a little tact here. Let's just say that I knew how it felt like to kill yourself on the outside when all the while, you're just trying to kill the thing on the inside. And I realized...I lost most of my friends because of that horrible relationship. I'm lucky though, to keep few gems who kept me sane through those times. And oh, I also remember having a new friend care of my friend. Redundant? haha.

@ work: I already had my first set of caseload. You could just imagine how it was soooooo hard for me to be doing hard work when I'm feeling miserable.

Rating: =( =( =( =( =)

June

@ work: Things are getting a little bit comfortable...I'm starting to adjust little by little. At least I could already enjoy a bit f what I'm doing.

@ my personal life: friends to the rescue! Somehow, I felt lighter because they helped me smile and appreciate other things...like trying out some novelties. Mommy was also very supportive and sweet. She always checked on me, when that was never her routine. And oh...I went to the church by myself and prayed (link to post: Rekindling Faith).

Rating: =( =( =) =) =)

July

Still doing better both at work and my personal life. I also remember my first encounter with the INC doctrine and how it shocked yet moved me. I finally understood why Jesus had to die in the cross to save us. That used to be a huge mystery to me, simply because I could not grasp whatever the cathechist or priest has to say about it. They just simply tell you, "because He loves us". Tsk. Thank God, I finally understand now.

Rating: =) =) =) =) =(

August

I had my first short hair cut!!! And hmm...As I was starting to feel happy...ex messaged me and that really made me unhappy again. Argh. So I went to Intramuros and poured out my residual feelings. Whew..

Rating: =) =) =) =( =(

September

Oh, I'm happy again...Well, I don't think I should tell it here as to why I can say that I'm happy wih my personal life. I just was. I just realized that am more able to smile, unconsciously, and I could talk about other stuff unrelated to my past. I'm also starting to enjoy work...a;though I'm getting busier and I had less time for my friends. 

Rating: =) =) =) =) =)

October

@ work: unbelievably jammm packed! It was very stressful yet I could say that I have accomplished a lot. Cheers to that! yet I could not deny that I felt really exhausted that I could just throw my papers away because it's just too much of work!

@ my personal life: First half, I was still happy..then second half, I felt miserable. Bipolar? Haha. I also started feeling down and uncomfortable with my whole self.

Rating: =) =) =( =( =)(

November

@ work: still quite busy...Most days I feel like I don't want to go to work. 

@ my personal life: In terms of spirituality, I really had a hard time accepting God's will. But still, I decided to be obedient and heed His call. In terms of other things, I stay mum about it. I find myself drawing lots of " =( " on my notebook without even having the energy to explain it verbally.

Rating: =) =) =( =( ='(

December 1 and 2

Not really a good start for this month. But I hope and wish that things will get better as days progress. 

Rating: ='( ='( ='( ='( ='(

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Looking back, now I could see that 2012 wasn't all awful. It's just had lots of good and bad surprises..well, I  could never do away with those.

I'm hopeful...always hopeful...that I'll survive these last days of 2012. I know it would be too much to ask if I would tell God to give me what I really want...but at least, I hope He will help make things bearable. Please...I could not tolerate another turbulence from any disappointment. Please God, help me stay sane.