Inner Wisdom

I have this irrefutable urge to go away for a while, perhaps sit around along with nature and succumb myself under the spell of a good book. That is how I retreat away from my worries..away from responsibilities..away from heartaches...away from the world. I thought that would give me comfort. Turns out, facing reality is the only way out. Maybe, what I should be doing instead is, having a little retrospection on how I was as a daughter, a sister, a lover, a Christian, a psychologist, and most, as a person. out of the many hats that I get to wear everyday, it is sometimes a struggle to get in touch with my inner self when I'm being driven to outwardly on my responsibilities. 

I would not deny that 2012 had indeed gave me a lot of spanking on the head, which on the contrary, made me feel more worthy of being a person. As I have read, "The only whole heart is a broken heart."In fact, although I went through a lot of psychological maladies, I could actually say that I had been on my strongest knees for this year. And by now, I have learned that by myself, I am weak. But with the grace and mercy of God, I am strong. 

Perhaps, there is some truth in saying that each one of us has an inner wisdom - a God given gift that can be likened to a compass which will guide us when we lose our ways and ourselves.  I thought reading books would inspire me to keep going through life. Sometime this year, a classmate told me that it is good to keep a journal of prayers. So I tried to incorporate prayers in my writings. Little did I know that my humbly written journals would actually quench my thirst for inspiration..because after all, they are all from my very own experiences and insights.

Excerpts from my 2012 journal:

June 9, 2012 

Let me begin by saying, Gracie Mille for all the blessings and hope J 

Perhaps I cannot get a sense of my connection with God as of now. Because I barely tried to pray. I still feel angry or sad or hateful about my failed relationship. But maybe, God’s way of helping me is manifested through the unbelievable strength that I still have despite the pain. The unbelievable hope that I still carry with me despite the failures. Perhaps Elizabeth Gilbert was right when she said “God dwells in me, as me.” Do I need to go somewhere to seek Him? No, because God rests inside of me. My own hands who does the work and helps me are the loving hands of God. All I have to do is open up my heart and feel Him inside me. Perhaps I’m not totally ready yet to let Him get through me. The love that He showers on me is overwhelmingly strong that it makes me stumble in awe. But I know that in a matter of time, I can finally gather the courage to surrender myself to Him. I don’t know where I get these things. I just know.  ***

June 10, 2012 

As a reflection from what my friend told me, somehow I no longer feel the angst against God. I realized that I was a fool because of myself, not because of God. In fact, I got hurt because I did the exact opposite of what God wants me to do. And I think God for opening my eyes and heart to receive the truth. The truth is humbling and liberating as well. Now I feel better and more convinced that I have to strive to love and enjoy this life as me. Because the most genuine friend I’ll ever have after all is, myself.

I apologize God for my stubbornness and angst. I come before you although full of sins, but humbled by my human weakness. Guide me Lord as to how I could find my way back to You. Teach me forgiveness, as how You are forgiving of my sins.

Most, Thank you Lord for never giving up on me. Thank you!***

Sometime in July 2012:

“I cried when I saw him happy. Maybe when you really love someone deeply, it’s enough to see him happy. Even when his happiness costs your own.”***  

A letter to myself for August 2012: 

If things never changed, there would be no butterflies. Changes everyday had been made and it continuously works its magic. I never thought that I would be happy even without a significant other. Now the world seems wider, there’s so much potential in every single entity in this world. 

You’re very blessed and talented; God has provided you with a lot of sincere people who’s got your back. Don’t be afraid that you won’t please everyone - because you won’t and it doesn't matter. Just do what you can and what you love. No one looks stupid when you’re having fun

Live every moment and treasure every friendship. Do not succumb to heartaches and mistrust. The world is chaotic enough to lure you of its mishaps; you don’t have to be a part of it. Always listen to your inner wisdom and kindness. That’s God’s gift living inside you. Always know that God is your unfailing comfort. *** 

August 20, 2012 

“In my efforts to understand you more Lord, please guide me that I may have the wisdom to judge soundly. Give me the courage and humility of the heart to accept what you want me to do Lord. Bring me to Your light, My God.” ***

August 21, 2012 

“Always remember that happiness is a continuous effort”*** 

November 1, 2012 

You really have matured as you now have ample complacency and can withstand to restrain irrational impulses. With that, you are more receptive to what God is telling you. Continue your search as to what He wants you to know. Even if things are confusing to you, remember that the truth contended by God is always warm in the heart, Find Him there. Search for God within you. 

Understand that perhaps, before He gives you the one He has destined to be with you forever, you must first search him. So that your future intimate relationship will be centered in Him, and that you may remain faithful and worthy of love in the eyes of God.  

Enlightenment comes in those who are humble enough to receive the truth. Find your best to tap the innate wisdom God has given you. In order to discern for the truth. Let go of anger, heartaches and rejoice yourself to the Lord. Trust Him with all your heart. He dwells in you as He does in the Church. Trust Him and He will lead you the way to His will. ***

I could go on and on and type all the entries which I have written. but I just have to select very few of my favorite ones. Reading through, I could not even half believe that these were from my own head. All I know was, I was depressed and down. I didn't know that I was strong. And wise. Maybe that wasn't me. That was God's love working on me. 

If I would sum everything that up, my experiences for this year have thought me a couple of values which I thought I know so well, but I never really have genuinely felt. 

...To survive...

...To heal...

...To trust...

...To connect...

These are basic things which are so common we could almost throw it in the backseat along with our usual way of living. but having gone through a lot of pain, these basic things are my hard earned lessons, which I hope to remember as I go on with life. 

There's a reason as to why things happen. There's a reason as to why things are. And with all these challenges, despite my shortsightedness on  God's reasons, I can warmly say, Gracie Mille Father, a million thanks. 

"My thoughts are not your thoughts. Neither My ways are your ways. For as heavens are higher than the earth, so are My ways higher than your ways. And My thoughts higher than you thoughts." - book of Isaiah

I continuously trust you God...help me survive..help me heal...Keep me in Your loving hands.