Mind Games

I don't expect myself to come up with a particular topic whenever I blog here. I prefer it this way, spontaneous, unframed, yet somehow straight to the point.

First of all, I don't understand why some people prefer to play mind games rather than saying their concerns or feelings directly. And I hate that. There's a fine line between being tact and being pretentious. Never mix them up. And oh, just a nifty piece of advice; if you are going to conceal something or lie, make sure to do it with your face. Man, your nonverbal cues are way too easy to decipher. Care to make it a little less obvious?

 Well of course, I cannot expect everyone to be as truthful as possible. I cannot impose my morals here anyway. And perhaps, they have a damn good reason behind the hypocrisy. It's just that...it really pisses me off. 

Second, I realized that it's already December --thank you alarm clock, you always give me some useful reality check. As I was saying, it's already my favorite month! At last, the last month for 2012!!! I'm really excited to end this year. Puh-leeeaaaassseeee. Alright, let's try to examine my feelings about 2012 in a somehow objective way. Read: Timeline

2012 on a Recap

January 

I have a nice new red hair, wardrobe and energy. Actually, I really like January. Only that, most days I had skin asthma so I had to wear sunglasses to cover up the redness around my eyes. 

Rating: =) =) =) =) =)

February

Hmm.. the so-called love month? Yup, I remember receiving flowers and chocolates. I remember giving people at work little heart cards...Then..I resigned from my first job in the Industrial field, and moved out from Eastwood. I remember saying goodbye to dear people in Eastwood..that part makes me sad. Then good stuff, I had my final interview for my dream job..

Rating: =) =) =) =) =(

March

I was a little bored from staying at home...luckily, I received a call and dang! I got a new job..my dream job :)))) This was a huge turn-around for me...I also remember having really good time with the family of my boyfriend then. And the latter and I went to mass --miracle?? I was just very happy during this time...little did I know that that was the last month.

Rating: =) =) =) =) =)

April

This month was way way challenging for me. This is the start of my misery. 

@ work: I really had a hard time learning how to do what we do now. Ok, just because I like to do it, doesn't mean that it would be easy. 

@ my personal life: D-I-S-A-S-T-E-R. My boyfriend then told me that he would be leaving me. I was just really shocked. For the first time in my life, I actually begged someone. Epic.

Rating: ='( ='( ='( ='( ='( ='( ='( ='( ='( ='( ='( ='( ='( ='( ='( ='( ='( ='( ='( ='( ='( ='( ='( ='( ='( ='( ='( ='( ='( ='( ='( ='( ='( 

May

@ my personal life: So I was unsuccessful..and the boyfriend left me. I resorted to a lot of bad things...yes..let's insert a little tact here. Let's just say that I knew how it felt like to kill yourself on the outside when all the while, you're just trying to kill the thing on the inside. And I realized...I lost most of my friends because of that horrible relationship. I'm lucky though, to keep few gems who kept me sane through those times. And oh, I also remember having a new friend care of my friend. Redundant? haha.

@ work: I already had my first set of caseload. You could just imagine how it was soooooo hard for me to be doing hard work when I'm feeling miserable.

Rating: =( =( =( =( =)

June

@ work: Things are getting a little bit comfortable...I'm starting to adjust little by little. At least I could already enjoy a bit f what I'm doing.

@ my personal life: friends to the rescue! Somehow, I felt lighter because they helped me smile and appreciate other things...like trying out some novelties. Mommy was also very supportive and sweet. She always checked on me, when that was never her routine. And oh...I went to the church by myself and prayed (link to post: Rekindling Faith).

Rating: =( =( =) =) =)

July

Still doing better both at work and my personal life. I also remember my first encounter with the INC doctrine and how it shocked yet moved me. I finally understood why Jesus had to die in the cross to save us. That used to be a huge mystery to me, simply because I could not grasp whatever the cathechist or priest has to say about it. They just simply tell you, "because He loves us". Tsk. Thank God, I finally understand now.

Rating: =) =) =) =) =(

August

I had my first short hair cut!!! And hmm...As I was starting to feel happy...ex messaged me and that really made me unhappy again. Argh. So I went to Intramuros and poured out my residual feelings. Whew..

Rating: =) =) =) =( =(

September

Oh, I'm happy again...Well, I don't think I should tell it here as to why I can say that I'm happy wih my personal life. I just was. I just realized that am more able to smile, unconsciously, and I could talk about other stuff unrelated to my past. I'm also starting to enjoy work...a;though I'm getting busier and I had less time for my friends. 

Rating: =) =) =) =) =)

October

@ work: unbelievably jammm packed! It was very stressful yet I could say that I have accomplished a lot. Cheers to that! yet I could not deny that I felt really exhausted that I could just throw my papers away because it's just too much of work!

@ my personal life: First half, I was still happy..then second half, I felt miserable. Bipolar? Haha. I also started feeling down and uncomfortable with my whole self.

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November

@ work: still quite busy...Most days I feel like I don't want to go to work. 

@ my personal life: In terms of spirituality, I really had a hard time accepting God's will. But still, I decided to be obedient and heed His call. In terms of other things, I stay mum about it. I find myself drawing lots of " =( " on my notebook without even having the energy to explain it verbally.

Rating: =) =) =( =( ='(

December 1 and 2

Not really a good start for this month. But I hope and wish that things will get better as days progress. 

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--

Looking back, now I could see that 2012 wasn't all awful. It's just had lots of good and bad surprises..well, I  could never do away with those.

I'm hopeful...always hopeful...that I'll survive these last days of 2012. I know it would be too much to ask if I would tell God to give me what I really want...but at least, I hope He will help make things bearable. Please...I could not tolerate another turbulence from any disappointment. Please God, help me stay sane.