Over plan. Then go with the flow.

The time it takes to spill your guts--or perhaps the time it takes to summon the guts to tell your story--always differs from situation to situation. Either way, guts are involved and it's messy and makes you feel like your showing everyone your "insides" while everyone else shows their best "outsides." It's taken me a while to spill these particular guts of mine because in a way, I've been hoping for a different ending to this particular situation.

And of course, I think it's important to show the vulnerable parts of ourselves. But you surely knew that already. I write about it often.

So here I am once again, getting a little wild. With my words.

 My dreams have been yanked out from right underneath me and it's a hurt you just can't explain. It feels suspiciously like a breakup. And I don't know how much more this battered heart of mine can take this year.

So, for now, I am applying for jobs , keeping my head high, hoping that this will make sense eventually. In the meantime, it's one of those things you take day-by-day. Enjoy the moments as they come.

And pray to God this year will start to look up soon.

Inaccurate

Maybe more often than not, it's not necessary to be sure of things. Observation-wise, it has been consistent that "accuracy" is nothing but a trivial concept. I could relate making choices with holding a gun. As much as we keep our eyes wide open and focused on the target, reality is, we're all blindfolded. But we're not hand-cuffed, and that's one thing to be thankful about. I reckon that people who fail are the ones who spent their lifetime trying to peek through their blindfold. Meanwhile, successful people are the ones who maximizes the utility of their other senses and smell through or hear through the environment, awaiting for the right time to pull the trigger.

Maybe that's why we're all allowed to make mistakes. Because there's no right amount of knowledge nor right combination of skill to ensure that you arrive at the correct ends. Sometimes, the things that you are so sure about are the exact things that should be doubted and given much thought. Conversely, the least expected can sometimes be the rightful choice. 

Maybe I'm Not

I'm not afraid of failures.

I'm afraid of regrets. 

I'm not afraid of being criticized.

I'm afraid of not being able to stand up for myself when such circumstances arise.

I'm not afraid of looking like a fool.

I'm afraid of being expected to be perfect.

I'm not afraid to get broken.

I'm afraid of pretending to be heartless. 

I'm not afraid of crying in public after a bad day.

I'm afraid of crying alone for no reason at all.

I'm not afraid to look back or to move forward.

I'm afraid of not being able to enjoy what's in the "present."

I'm not afraid of losing.

I'm afraid of not being able to justify why I won.

I'm not afraid of being just like anyone.

I'm afraid of being singled out as someone.

I'm not afraid of being unattractive.

I'm afraid of being seen "just as a pretty face."

I'm not afraid of speaking my mind.

I'm afraid to tell what's in my heart.

I'm not afraid of doing things I'm not supposed to.

I'm afraid of not doing things I'm supposed to.

I'm not afraid of dying.

I'm afraid of not living my life to the best that I can.

I'm not afraid of being brave.

I'm afraid of being a coward.

Chasing Dreams: Can You Handcraft Miracles?

..Almost two years ago..but still my favorite composition..

Can you handcraft miracles?or wait for it to arrive?

do you grab it in mid-air?

or does it fall right into place?

If I pray harder, would a no still be a No?

And if I pray less, would a yes be less of a Yes? 

Are miracles really heaven sent? 

Or mere products of hard work and luck?

If you wish with all your heart,

kneel down and be humbled,

will every beat of your heart resound to heaven?

or will it make no difference?

Shall I finally hear an approval?

Shall His desire be of one with mine?

Shall He listen to me beg?

or shall it be another "not yet my dear, not now."

What difference does "not yet" make from a "no"?

If both stems from "not", thus hurt like one?

does "not yet" mean "someday it will"

or only will the waiting would only keep the hurt longer?

If i cross my fingers, catch a falling star,

break a wishing bone, light 999 candles,

rearrange the furniture, turn the plate three times,

will heaven forbid? will heaven hear me?

If I lay down all day and night, count sheep on my head

stop wishing, stop hoping, stop believing --

will the pain of waiting and wishing stop?

or will the pain of  "wanting-to-stop-yet-you-cant" hurt even more?

...Can you handcraft miracles?

...or wait for it to arrive?

...do you grab it in mid-air?

...or does it fall right into place?

...Are miracles really heaven sent? 

...Or mere products of hard work and luck?



or shall I stop wishing?

Unsolicited Rigmarole

Five years ago, when i began writing-blogging-doodling (whatever you call it), I was nervous. And i'd be lying if I didn't say I still get a bit apprehensive each time I click "publish." Aside from worrying about my grammar, space indention, and spelling, I get anxious when I think about people reading about things that I don't necessarily share in "real life." You see, in real life, i have a thick outer shell that encapsulates my being -- my introspect, my kaleidescope, my core, my soft spot. 

Vocabulary-wise, being headstrong is different from being tough. You can't block emotions just as how you could block and contradict thoughts. So, I'd say, I'd rather fake a smile than get down with the nitty gritty mishaps of life and break down right in your eyes. 

The problem with this tactic? The problem with pretending it's all sunhine and roses? People believe you. They don't know if something hurt your feelings if you just shrug your shoulders and laugh it off. It's not their fault. I can't expect anyone to know the difference. Afterall, who could have cared to penetrate that stubborn outer shell?

The thing is, my blog -- It's given me a place to write about the things which are hard for me to come about in the "real world". I'm extremely timid and private when asked about my feelings, or when people get to read about it. Yes I'm pretty selective, I have a handful of people to whom I could entrust to share about what I feel. And this includes my journal (old school and dusty) and my blog. 

Here's the other thing: it's so much easier to open up about things here, to people I've never met, but are much much supportive and less judgmental about me. At the most, I'm freed from conforming into other's boxes about me. It helps me grow and morph into a better me, or at least, someone I would like to be. 

However, this also leaves me feeling vulnerable. 

Once I had a friend who told me that if a guy has a crush on me and sees my blog, it will scare him off. That really bothered me, so I almost took down on my blog. 

But then after a little thought and head-scratching, I'd still say, I don't care. Or it's more like "I'll try not to care." I'd rather have my blog than to be conscious about what guys would think of me. Label me a geek, a nerd, a monk (if you wish, because at times, I like to talk about God). I'd rather date my laptop if that's the case. 

I know, my blog is just another blog full of rigmarole, but I'm still pretty proud. 

My Eternal Sunshine. 

And it's not about being prolific. It's about being sincere. 

Senseless Ramblings

In retrospect, I had a lot of optimism and courage. 

Growing up with the view that everything is possible or attainable, I always had high hopes for getting what I wanted. And perhaps, that could be a good reason behind my determinism. Because when I set on my target, whether it's up a tall hill or deep down a sink hole, I'm on it and there's no turning back. 

I wish I still see things like that..

--

---

----

But I guess, people view things differently at different times in their life...

I don't know if I'm seeing it this way because I got more valuable experiences than I had before...

I don't know if I'm seeing it this way because experiences have led me to know fear...

I don't know if I'm seeing it this way because I'm wiser...

All I know is...

I'm slowly becoming such a nerve and a coward..and I cannot continue seeing things this way.

I have to take on risks and move forward.

Crap.

I miss her badly..

More than Just "Different"

          I was able to get a glimpse of what it really feels like to be a patient, especially with a very rare kind of disorder such as “Encephalitis Lethargica.” As mental health advocates and practitioners, we only get to infer about the disorders of patients based on what can be observed-- their affect, gait, reflexes and all things tangible and measureable. But within a patient’s insight, imagine being entrapped in a cage wherein you can see the light, but unable to move and help yourself. With that, I realized that perhaps, the DSM V (Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders: 5th Edition) could accurately diagnose patients according to what we can see; but that is only one dimension of the truth.

Pity is not care. They need "genuine understanding" more than "labeling" (diagnosis) and all the medical jargon. 

It is important for us to always remember that humans are bio-psycho-social beings. Therefore, if one is sick, it is not only the physiological system that is affected; it always has a downright negative effect on the psychological and social functioning of the person. Medicine could only do as much as to remedy the chemical imbalance in the brain. But if the other two aspects such as the psychological and social functioning are not given importance, it more likely that the patient will have a relapse. In a simpler sense, it essential to provide encouragement to the human spirit by means of cultivating one’s psyche and building on lasting relationships with other people. If such aspects were adequately fulfilled, it will be easier for people to cope up with problems; hence, less mental disorders.

I smirk out of frustration and angst against people who laugh at persons with disabilities and disorders. Despite their illness, they are still human beings; they can think and feel like we do, only that theirs are more primitive. People need more than what medicine could give as a cure; all the more, they need fellow human beings to lift them up by means of simple kindness or empathy. To be able to experience the simplicity "life" offers  for them is already healing in itself.

Consequently, I realized how we take the “freedom” that we have as normal beings for granted. Perhaps, one of the hidden reasons as to why we have people with disorders, is to make others realize how blessed we are to be given sufficient liberty to live the life we want. It is surprising that these kinds of lessons should come from those who are handicapped, physically or mentally.

Healing Scars

I've learned some things about forgiveness yesterday that just strucked me right smack at the center point of the ball park.

Forgiveness is not about crossing some lines off your list of mistakes...

Forgiveness is absolute...

Forgiveness leads relationships to greater paths...

Forgiveness starts with yourself.

And maybe that is why I find it so difficult to forgive people. Because I also have a hard time taking guilt off myself. Consequently, I cannot simply forego of negativity, and worse, I carry it on like a large rump sack hovering on my shoulders. 

And thankfully, that lead me to understanding what I had been feeling for days already. Ok, so I'm scared. Really scared. Say, I'm in a point where I can almost feel that I'm giving my whole self again to "insert thing/person." And that leaves me so scared -- to trust again. And I reckon that it's because I haven't really forgiven myself yet, for making a mistake of wanting/loving something/someone (ok, I'm not ready to clear this one out here. sorry. so let me sound vague) and hurting myself along the process. Yes, I blame myself for things, for almost everything. Which is not really healthy. And which, leaves me looking distant and indifferent to people/things which are in reality, very dear to me.

So I guess that for the next days, I have to try to be kind-er to myself and little by little, accept that being hurt was not all my fault. And oh, be less grumpy and indifferent. 

Leveling Off

Say, I'm in a point where I'm starting to question if attaining success and dreams are really possible. I've always thought that my current job has always been my "dream job," and that this is en route to a bigger scheme of achievement. I don't know if I'm setting my bars a little too high or low, but what's clear to me right now is that, I'm not happy. And as much as I want to delude myself that I'm perfectly contended with being one of the youngest in my field, I could barely whisper that I'm proud of myself and what I have become. 

Yes, I'm proud of what I have gone through, and getting everyday. Sure, I get nice pay check. Sure, I get the entitlement that I've been wanting since four years ago. Sure, I get to fulfill my life goal of helping people. Sure, I can get on with work despite my daily stress. 

But no, I'm not proud of crying every day after work without knowing why.

I'm not proud of getting grumpy without knowing why.

Simply put, I'm not happy.

I'm not sure if this is just "stress" creeping on my nerves and making me all defiant to do my tasks..I'm not sure If I'm really wanting something else.

But I'm sure that whatever this is about, I should not shrug it off. I should deal with it deeper. And perhaps sulk in it if I have to. 

Thus, I'm officially deferring my judgment and plans..Despite my inclination to be obsessive compulsive, I know that at this point, I have to go beyond being level-headed.

This isn't about love, nor myself. This is about what I want to do for the rest of my days, or life. 

I have to know what's in my heart. 

On Tip Toes

I've always been a ball of chaos. I like beating the red light, deadlines, piling up one task before finishing another, doing three things all at the same time and just as if all the tension's not enough --- there I go sashaying my way to another pile.

The problem is unconsciously or sub-consciously, I could suddenly get all fed up and gravitate towards being in a stupor. Which is cool, when you're 18 and could flunk one test (and ace another one to make up for it). But so un-cool and irresponsible, when you're 23 and already working for your money. 

B-A-L-A-N-C-E. Big word. (sorry John Lloyd, it's not TRUST, dumb-o)

How do you create a balance between trying to be responsible and trying to keep your happiness? How do you keep sane when you talk to insane people all the time? How do you reoconcile things which are always competing from each other, in order to make it to you "top priority" slot? 

How do you keep on being a normal, regular, decent person?

How do you veer away from making mistakes??

If I stop trying to make things right, then, I would not be susceptible to committing mistakes, because there's no "correct thing" anyway.

Maybe Keri Smith was right afterall. Here on, I vow:

1. Not to try to create something beautiful

2. Not to think too much

3. To Continue under all circumstances

and best of all...

4. try not to reach for the top, but rather, keep things in balance. 

When Life Is Being a Bitch

You get up.

Take a shower.
Catch your breath.
Force yourself to eat something.
Put on your sassiest lipstick.
Remind yourself to breathe.
Say hello.
Hold your head high.
Be yourself.
Say Goodbye.
Send along your love.
Give yourself some peace.
Thank God for what was.
What is.
And what will.
You continue to love.
You exhale slowly.
Keep your eyes forward.
And at every heart beat,
Take a step.
Then the next.

You march on.

And if you stumble,
You know what to do.
Grab the world by the lapels,
And kick ass.

Reality and Fairy Tales

This week's realization...

We get one story. Only one story alone. God has established the elements, the setting, the climax and the resolution. It would be a crime not to venture it out, wouldn't it? And I hope your story is not about clamoring about success, but thriving with faith. Yes, just like in fairytales.

Albeit Skeptical

A friend recently asked me, "What makes you so sure?"

Off-guarded, I could just say "I don't know." 

Well..that is not something which I could even understand myself, much more to elaborate. But I strongly believe in the impulse of the heart.

I guess our hearts just know if you're meant to be in a place, in the right time, and with the right company. It's actually a strong feeling screaming inside of you--that prolonged key of C (Do) amidst the melody of sharps and flats. Only the brave would choose to follow it. Or you may collect it and seal it in a jar. We all have choices. 

And learning from experience, it's better to choose what you think is right and then fail..than to be a coward and regret that you never tried anything worthy of learning something from.

This may seem to be a delusion, but how could you know the difference anyway?  But to me and to the other people who knows how to use their hearts, it's a candid and straight-forward reality that is quite too simple to be explained through the complex measures of deductive reasoning.

Then again intuition has it's more mature and famous sister called Faith.

You see, it's "intuition" that leads you to where you should go. But it is "faith" who keeps you going and believing that it is where you are meant to be.

So what makes me so sure?

I am sure because I am. 

Resurrect

Each time we die, we learn to live again.

I'm struggling...Because whenever I pull myself up, things around me would drag me down. But I won't let this stop me. I have to. 

And one day I know I'll be able to look back to this post thinking, "Oh, that was the time when I almost lost hope. Thank God, I fought. Job well done." It's not going to be an easy fight. But if my happiness and freedom is at stake, I'm willing to risk all that's left within me. Sometimes the best way to deal with things 

I've always been a strong believer that personal effort is a prerequisite to achieving things. But life, as early as now, has taught me that whatever I am capable of is nothing compared to what the higher force can. Therefore in the most challenging situations,when things are already out of my control, the best way is to surrender and have faith. 

This is how I want to redeem myself. With the grace, mercy and love of God. For without Him, I am weak. But with Him, I am renewed. 

Letter to Self: February 2013

Perhaps there's truth in saying "happiness is a continuous effort" and "happiness is a choice." Maybe, happiness is not really dependent on blissful moments or experiences of success. It's actually on how you see things, or how you choose to see things. After all, we can't be too happy all the time. And we can't control everything but our own mind. 

...if you need a little time with yourself along with nature...so be it...

...if you need to spend a little more to buy a luxurious slice of cake after a tiring day...so be it...

...if you need to surround yourself with happy people despite your hectic schedule...so be it...

Therefore, you have all the liberty and blessing to be happy...recognize that happiness is not a product, but rather a source of all things good. This is my new year's gift to you...a choice to be happy. 

Restart Button

I never really appreciated those little  things...the way I could stretch my arms, hold a pencil, gallop, eat with both hands...those little mundane things...until I was hospitalized for two days. Yes, two days isn't much of time, but it was enough for me to get irritated with having no power to do whichever I need or want to do. I never felt so helpless, that I could almost, almost curse my tummy for malfunctioning. Anyhow, thank heavens, I'm all well and back! 

So, that was the first two days of 2013 for me, quite not so glittery, eh? But I don't mind. It's too early to judge a year by a few days. Hahaha. Guess the hospital air has gotten into my humor. So sickly. Hahaha. 

Positive vibes, you are so welcome in my lair. I won't give up :)