Walk of the Heartless

Today, I asked something that I had been asking over and over again for the rest of the year...

"How many times do I have to walk away from my heart?"

And as I frantically search for an alternative, the truth glares in desperation. As I pile up on things which are supposed to please me, none of it can even cause a bit of spark. Because deep down I know, I lost the very sole thing that feels...and worse, I cannot retrieve my heart from where I left it off. No matter how unfair it is for myself, I know I shouldn't. 

It is never easy...the thing that we do, whenever we have to chose between what is righteous versus what feels right. I reckon that the most difficult discrepancy in life lies between what the mind says and what the heart feels. To reconcile these things, it takes centuries of wisdom and maturity...and all the more, faith and courage. 

Maybe, it is not yet the time for me to know the answers..Maybe it takes a little while of walking without a heart in order to recognize your thoughts, and it takes walking with only your heart in order to fully understand what comprehension fails to reach. Who knows...

All these questions, I reconcile spiritually through a humble prayer. 

Inner Wisdom

I have this irrefutable urge to go away for a while, perhaps sit around along with nature and succumb myself under the spell of a good book. That is how I retreat away from my worries..away from responsibilities..away from heartaches...away from the world. I thought that would give me comfort. Turns out, facing reality is the only way out. Maybe, what I should be doing instead is, having a little retrospection on how I was as a daughter, a sister, a lover, a Christian, a psychologist, and most, as a person. out of the many hats that I get to wear everyday, it is sometimes a struggle to get in touch with my inner self when I'm being driven to outwardly on my responsibilities. 

I would not deny that 2012 had indeed gave me a lot of spanking on the head, which on the contrary, made me feel more worthy of being a person. As I have read, "The only whole heart is a broken heart."In fact, although I went through a lot of psychological maladies, I could actually say that I had been on my strongest knees for this year. And by now, I have learned that by myself, I am weak. But with the grace and mercy of God, I am strong. 

Perhaps, there is some truth in saying that each one of us has an inner wisdom - a God given gift that can be likened to a compass which will guide us when we lose our ways and ourselves.  I thought reading books would inspire me to keep going through life. Sometime this year, a classmate told me that it is good to keep a journal of prayers. So I tried to incorporate prayers in my writings. Little did I know that my humbly written journals would actually quench my thirst for inspiration..because after all, they are all from my very own experiences and insights.

Excerpts from my 2012 journal:

June 9, 2012 

Let me begin by saying, Gracie Mille for all the blessings and hope J 

Perhaps I cannot get a sense of my connection with God as of now. Because I barely tried to pray. I still feel angry or sad or hateful about my failed relationship. But maybe, God’s way of helping me is manifested through the unbelievable strength that I still have despite the pain. The unbelievable hope that I still carry with me despite the failures. Perhaps Elizabeth Gilbert was right when she said “God dwells in me, as me.” Do I need to go somewhere to seek Him? No, because God rests inside of me. My own hands who does the work and helps me are the loving hands of God. All I have to do is open up my heart and feel Him inside me. Perhaps I’m not totally ready yet to let Him get through me. The love that He showers on me is overwhelmingly strong that it makes me stumble in awe. But I know that in a matter of time, I can finally gather the courage to surrender myself to Him. I don’t know where I get these things. I just know.  ***

June 10, 2012 

As a reflection from what my friend told me, somehow I no longer feel the angst against God. I realized that I was a fool because of myself, not because of God. In fact, I got hurt because I did the exact opposite of what God wants me to do. And I think God for opening my eyes and heart to receive the truth. The truth is humbling and liberating as well. Now I feel better and more convinced that I have to strive to love and enjoy this life as me. Because the most genuine friend I’ll ever have after all is, myself.

I apologize God for my stubbornness and angst. I come before you although full of sins, but humbled by my human weakness. Guide me Lord as to how I could find my way back to You. Teach me forgiveness, as how You are forgiving of my sins.

Most, Thank you Lord for never giving up on me. Thank you!***

Sometime in July 2012:

“I cried when I saw him happy. Maybe when you really love someone deeply, it’s enough to see him happy. Even when his happiness costs your own.”***  

A letter to myself for August 2012: 

If things never changed, there would be no butterflies. Changes everyday had been made and it continuously works its magic. I never thought that I would be happy even without a significant other. Now the world seems wider, there’s so much potential in every single entity in this world. 

You’re very blessed and talented; God has provided you with a lot of sincere people who’s got your back. Don’t be afraid that you won’t please everyone - because you won’t and it doesn't matter. Just do what you can and what you love. No one looks stupid when you’re having fun

Live every moment and treasure every friendship. Do not succumb to heartaches and mistrust. The world is chaotic enough to lure you of its mishaps; you don’t have to be a part of it. Always listen to your inner wisdom and kindness. That’s God’s gift living inside you. Always know that God is your unfailing comfort. *** 

August 20, 2012 

“In my efforts to understand you more Lord, please guide me that I may have the wisdom to judge soundly. Give me the courage and humility of the heart to accept what you want me to do Lord. Bring me to Your light, My God.” ***

August 21, 2012 

“Always remember that happiness is a continuous effort”*** 

November 1, 2012 

You really have matured as you now have ample complacency and can withstand to restrain irrational impulses. With that, you are more receptive to what God is telling you. Continue your search as to what He wants you to know. Even if things are confusing to you, remember that the truth contended by God is always warm in the heart, Find Him there. Search for God within you. 

Understand that perhaps, before He gives you the one He has destined to be with you forever, you must first search him. So that your future intimate relationship will be centered in Him, and that you may remain faithful and worthy of love in the eyes of God.  

Enlightenment comes in those who are humble enough to receive the truth. Find your best to tap the innate wisdom God has given you. In order to discern for the truth. Let go of anger, heartaches and rejoice yourself to the Lord. Trust Him with all your heart. He dwells in you as He does in the Church. Trust Him and He will lead you the way to His will. ***

I could go on and on and type all the entries which I have written. but I just have to select very few of my favorite ones. Reading through, I could not even half believe that these were from my own head. All I know was, I was depressed and down. I didn't know that I was strong. And wise. Maybe that wasn't me. That was God's love working on me. 

If I would sum everything that up, my experiences for this year have thought me a couple of values which I thought I know so well, but I never really have genuinely felt. 

...To survive...

...To heal...

...To trust...

...To connect...

These are basic things which are so common we could almost throw it in the backseat along with our usual way of living. but having gone through a lot of pain, these basic things are my hard earned lessons, which I hope to remember as I go on with life. 

There's a reason as to why things happen. There's a reason as to why things are. And with all these challenges, despite my shortsightedness on  God's reasons, I can warmly say, Gracie Mille Father, a million thanks. 

"My thoughts are not your thoughts. Neither My ways are your ways. For as heavens are higher than the earth, so are My ways higher than your ways. And My thoughts higher than you thoughts." - book of Isaiah

I continuously trust you God...help me survive..help me heal...Keep me in Your loving hands. 

Despite The Storms

In everyday situations, I know that I am obliged to think and act as an adult. However, it can sometimes be hard when I can feel my inner child easily hurt. i wish I could assure it that we can make it through the day and that tomorrow will be another chance to make things better...

Today I attended a thanksgiving celebration. Honestly, I was very much pissed while I was on my way to the church. Consequently, I felt bad about everything as if there is no right thing that has ever happened in my life. Yet, I find myself still thanking God for cradling me, despite my weaknesses. Although I feel unworthy...God continuously showers me and my family with blessings.

I'm sorry Father, I'm Sorry. 

And with all sincerity, Thank You. 

Inner Conversations

Half of Me says:

Just because someone left you, doesn't mean that you have all the right to block people away from your heart.

Always remember that you are never alone.

People should not be taken for granted...

Not the ones who love you.,,

Not the stranger who chased you for half-block to tell you you've dropped something...

Not the one who holds the door for you...

Not the one who asks you if you're feeling okay...

Not the one who asks you to dance when he/she notices you're kinda feeling awkward of being alone...

Their actions are not inconsequential; they are what it means to be human, a state so common that it's rather easy to forget how extraordinary it can be.

Remember it always, remember how bland and unsatisfactory and meaningless life would be without humanity.


The Other Half of Me responds:


The truth is...I care and I always will.

I'm not the type of girl who will let people walk out of my life and pretend that they don't matter anymore...

I may not like that person anymore or talk to him or her, but I still care.

I'm always going to think back to my life and say I wondered what happened to so and so...

I hope they're all right.

I will actually mean it.

That is the type of person that I am.

Once you're in my heart, you're there forever.

You Restore My Soul

How Urgent It Is To Rest

I have to blog...

Just because I find it impossible to concentrate on what I have to do when I'm preoccupied with what I feel. And I hate it. I really do.

Despite of the large bulk of work load that I have devour myself into, I find myself staring blankly at my computer screen, waiting for this "thing" to die.

How do you force yourself to be objective when you feel intensely emotional?

No, I'm not about to cry...that is far from what I feel right now. But yes, I feel scared.

and alone.

and I feel like clutching into something...whatever that something is.

I know I need to take a grip of myself...

and this is already to vague.

But...

maybe..

the best thing you could really do for yourself is to stop chasing things which you don't deserve.

Enough said.

I really need to keep moving.

Tick tock tick tock.

Back to work. 

Is Destiny God's Will?

I had been very transparent here that I have been trying to be receptive to God's will. Setting aside everything else, it all boils down to clarifying my religious orientation. Well..this morning, I wondered around my old blog..and I happen to find a post dated back in December 5, 2010 when I was also motivated to find His will for me. Only that back then, I was referring to His will regarding my love life. cheesy.

------------------------------------------------

Is there a thing such as meeting the right person, at the right time, and everything around you will just simply fall into place, as how "destiny" brings it?

Does finding love entails waiting on the porch in a lovely evening, as you stare in the stars, hoping that on the next minute, your destined love will suddenly stand next to you, and you'll instantly knew, you met the one

Is there really such a thing as destiny?

Are the stars in the sky made to tell us our fate, our soul mate?

Or is it more of, a choice, a choice of who you must love, who you want to spend the rest of your life with, and who will you die with?

If you will let destiny be done on its own, then how would you recognize the right person, the right time, the right fate?

We think God's will is found out there, somewhere in the stars. That's not true. God's will is found within. Ultimately, God's will is your deepest desire.

Mahogany song, playing in the background.

I got so much thoughts racing through my mind. I'm afraid, my fingers can't keep up typing all of these. nevertheless, you get the gist.

-------------------------------------------------------

I should have known...that God's will was to find Him first...because above all, love is to be found in Him. Perhaps I was so focused on being around with somebody for all these years that I never really realized how important it is to build on my relationship with God first. 

Although I am such a late bloomer with this, still, I'm thankful that God has opened this opportunity for me to find Him. Despite the depression that I am having for months already, I know He will accompany me through this. After all, only He knows what surprises are in stored for me for the next days, next year..and so on. 

I Trust you God. 

Mind Games

I don't expect myself to come up with a particular topic whenever I blog here. I prefer it this way, spontaneous, unframed, yet somehow straight to the point.

First of all, I don't understand why some people prefer to play mind games rather than saying their concerns or feelings directly. And I hate that. There's a fine line between being tact and being pretentious. Never mix them up. And oh, just a nifty piece of advice; if you are going to conceal something or lie, make sure to do it with your face. Man, your nonverbal cues are way too easy to decipher. Care to make it a little less obvious?

 Well of course, I cannot expect everyone to be as truthful as possible. I cannot impose my morals here anyway. And perhaps, they have a damn good reason behind the hypocrisy. It's just that...it really pisses me off. 

Second, I realized that it's already December --thank you alarm clock, you always give me some useful reality check. As I was saying, it's already my favorite month! At last, the last month for 2012!!! I'm really excited to end this year. Puh-leeeaaaassseeee. Alright, let's try to examine my feelings about 2012 in a somehow objective way. Read: Timeline

2012 on a Recap

January 

I have a nice new red hair, wardrobe and energy. Actually, I really like January. Only that, most days I had skin asthma so I had to wear sunglasses to cover up the redness around my eyes. 

Rating: =) =) =) =) =)

February

Hmm.. the so-called love month? Yup, I remember receiving flowers and chocolates. I remember giving people at work little heart cards...Then..I resigned from my first job in the Industrial field, and moved out from Eastwood. I remember saying goodbye to dear people in Eastwood..that part makes me sad. Then good stuff, I had my final interview for my dream job..

Rating: =) =) =) =) =(

March

I was a little bored from staying at home...luckily, I received a call and dang! I got a new job..my dream job :)))) This was a huge turn-around for me...I also remember having really good time with the family of my boyfriend then. And the latter and I went to mass --miracle?? I was just very happy during this time...little did I know that that was the last month.

Rating: =) =) =) =) =)

April

This month was way way challenging for me. This is the start of my misery. 

@ work: I really had a hard time learning how to do what we do now. Ok, just because I like to do it, doesn't mean that it would be easy. 

@ my personal life: D-I-S-A-S-T-E-R. My boyfriend then told me that he would be leaving me. I was just really shocked. For the first time in my life, I actually begged someone. Epic.

Rating: ='( ='( ='( ='( ='( ='( ='( ='( ='( ='( ='( ='( ='( ='( ='( ='( ='( ='( ='( ='( ='( ='( ='( ='( ='( ='( ='( ='( ='( ='( ='( ='( ='( 

May

@ my personal life: So I was unsuccessful..and the boyfriend left me. I resorted to a lot of bad things...yes..let's insert a little tact here. Let's just say that I knew how it felt like to kill yourself on the outside when all the while, you're just trying to kill the thing on the inside. And I realized...I lost most of my friends because of that horrible relationship. I'm lucky though, to keep few gems who kept me sane through those times. And oh, I also remember having a new friend care of my friend. Redundant? haha.

@ work: I already had my first set of caseload. You could just imagine how it was soooooo hard for me to be doing hard work when I'm feeling miserable.

Rating: =( =( =( =( =)

June

@ work: Things are getting a little bit comfortable...I'm starting to adjust little by little. At least I could already enjoy a bit f what I'm doing.

@ my personal life: friends to the rescue! Somehow, I felt lighter because they helped me smile and appreciate other things...like trying out some novelties. Mommy was also very supportive and sweet. She always checked on me, when that was never her routine. And oh...I went to the church by myself and prayed (link to post: Rekindling Faith).

Rating: =( =( =) =) =)

July

Still doing better both at work and my personal life. I also remember my first encounter with the INC doctrine and how it shocked yet moved me. I finally understood why Jesus had to die in the cross to save us. That used to be a huge mystery to me, simply because I could not grasp whatever the cathechist or priest has to say about it. They just simply tell you, "because He loves us". Tsk. Thank God, I finally understand now.

Rating: =) =) =) =) =(

August

I had my first short hair cut!!! And hmm...As I was starting to feel happy...ex messaged me and that really made me unhappy again. Argh. So I went to Intramuros and poured out my residual feelings. Whew..

Rating: =) =) =) =( =(

September

Oh, I'm happy again...Well, I don't think I should tell it here as to why I can say that I'm happy wih my personal life. I just was. I just realized that am more able to smile, unconsciously, and I could talk about other stuff unrelated to my past. I'm also starting to enjoy work...a;though I'm getting busier and I had less time for my friends. 

Rating: =) =) =) =) =)

October

@ work: unbelievably jammm packed! It was very stressful yet I could say that I have accomplished a lot. Cheers to that! yet I could not deny that I felt really exhausted that I could just throw my papers away because it's just too much of work!

@ my personal life: First half, I was still happy..then second half, I felt miserable. Bipolar? Haha. I also started feeling down and uncomfortable with my whole self.

Rating: =) =) =( =( =)(

November

@ work: still quite busy...Most days I feel like I don't want to go to work. 

@ my personal life: In terms of spirituality, I really had a hard time accepting God's will. But still, I decided to be obedient and heed His call. In terms of other things, I stay mum about it. I find myself drawing lots of " =( " on my notebook without even having the energy to explain it verbally.

Rating: =) =) =( =( ='(

December 1 and 2

Not really a good start for this month. But I hope and wish that things will get better as days progress. 

Rating: ='( ='( ='( ='( ='(

--

Looking back, now I could see that 2012 wasn't all awful. It's just had lots of good and bad surprises..well, I  could never do away with those.

I'm hopeful...always hopeful...that I'll survive these last days of 2012. I know it would be too much to ask if I would tell God to give me what I really want...but at least, I hope He will help make things bearable. Please...I could not tolerate another turbulence from any disappointment. Please God, help me stay sane.

Heed

Perhaps I am accountable of clarifying my contentions in my previous post. Suffice to say, I am currently compelled to search for the truth and determine which belief is right. 

I descended from a family of Catholic devotees. Admittedly, majority of my kin are not even church-goers, they are simply Catholics as far as their birth certificates bestows them to be. Some of our cognates have even ventured into other religious sects. Yet, our family remains to be a Catholic household. Consequently, I was raised in the Catholic tradition and educated in Catholic Schools. To be honest, I am not fully devoted to my birth right religion and I am most certainly not the type of person who would exhaust myself on debates to defend the Catholic dogma. I do not however, loathe it in any other way. But in utmost sense, I am just simply a person who believes that human-founded institutions have nothing to do with my internal faith in God --nothing to do with what I feel whenever I pray. As a child, I have always felt that I could pray without much effort. The feeling of having intimate correspondence with God is something very emotionally-laden to me that I could not even explain it verbally. I could also not explain the happiness that I feel whenever I sit or kneel in silence and utter my words of gratitude and praise for His deity. Honestly, I have always preferred praying over attending the Holy Eucharist. Regardless of my being a Catholic or not, I know that I sincerely love God...and living my life as modestly as I can is enough to justify that I am His daughter. 

Months ago, I could still remember the rage that I felt when He took away a very significant person from me. I could almost be an atheist for despising priests, the Church and even the crucifix. I did not even mind if I would go into hell for cursing. Whenever I recall those times, I can't help but cry and feel guilty for being selfish and demonic.

I also remember the day when I humbled myself before Him and asked for pardon. Although I was unworthy of forgiveness, the instant feeling of peace in my heart made me aware that he has accepted my plea. I then meekly promised Him that I would never go astray again, and asked for His help so that I may continue to reconcile my relationship with Him. 

Surprisingly, God had quickly answered my prayers. To simply put, he had currently offered me an opportunity to embark on a new kind of faith. Although I know that I am headstrong about my personal beliefs, it is still enigmatical that I find myself reaching out to this new faith as if responding to God's call. I must admit that my mind is still somewhat skeptical; There are still bits and pieces which are difficult to digest especially when it contradicts the doctrines that I had been living for my 22 years of existence. Despite such, I am continuously opening my mind to some paradigm shifts. To cite a few:

• From a previous eclectic outlook on religion, I now believe that genuine relationship with God starts with membership in His real Church...
• I now believe that venerating other mediators is unnecessary in terms of communicating with God. I would rather pray to God in the name of Jesus because the latter is the sole mediator and not the roster of saints or whatsoever. 
• That praying should be heartfelt and unique to each situation, it is never repetitious by nature.
• That God's Kingdom is not about this world
• I also discount every tradition that is not written in Bible -- which sadly includes my most favorite occasion, Christmas.
• And although I still give importance to Mary as the mother of Christ, I would not bestow her with Godly devotion, because that is very pagan
• And that obedience is an act of loving God.  

I would also like to confess that this current awakening makes me scared. I know that continuing this would give me a lot of responsibilities and conflicts along the way. Still, I choose to listen to Him...because I simply cannot deny the elusive happiness that I feel whenever I listen to His words. Despite the inconveniences this trial has been imposing on me, I completely entrust my capabilities to withstand this to Him..because I know that he would help me make sound decisions..especially when my family's salvation is at stake.

With all these, I am fervently bow down and pour my heart out in a silent prayer...

God...

I learned to open my heart a bit and I found you there. You never left. You're with me.

As I sit on my bed and offer you my nightly prayer, sadness haunts me...fills me up with this melancholy that is too overwhelming to suppress. But as I close my eyes and put my palms down on my lap, I feel encapsulated in something very peculiar yet undoubtedly familiar. I'm not alone. The cold wind gently caresses me, further affirming your presence. Whenever I feel safe, I can feel You...Though in great sadness, I know, Your love keeps me safe. I am safe.

My dear God, thank you for making me cognizant of Your will..Although I feel weak and unworthy, please give me the courage to act upon it, regardless of the challenges that I may face..I am afraid God...I honestly wish You could have given me an easier route...This is giving me too much pain....But that is just my humanly nature speaking....You know that I am Your servant...and that I swear to obey You. I won't give up. I promised You I never will again. 

Often times I want to never wake up. I wish to regress and escape the world. But the morning sun smiles so brightly, I cannot resist but smile back. Though it cannot give me a helping hand, it's dire presence relieves me. I can see a hope...Of a new beginning. 

One day I know, I'll be worthy of calling You my Father.

Searching For His Will

Few months ago, I struggled to reconcile my faith in God. I believed that I had resolved it by humbling myself before Him, asking for His kind forgiveness.  He immediately answered my prayer by sending a burning love in my heart, eager to serve Him again and forever. I thought that His forgiveness is the best thing that I  have received for the past months. Much to my awe, He offered me so much more. He offered me opportunities where I could seek for Him, for His love, for His kind will for a sinner that I am. 

I must admit that I do not have the ample intelligence to understand what He wants me to do in an instant. Nor am I a prophet to interpret His words. I am a simple sinner, who yearns for Him everyday because He is my strength and everything. 

but...

You know it is "His will", not because it's irrefutable; not even because it is apparently pleasing; and most certainly not because it concurs with your own prejudice. Only a humbled heart knows that it is "His will" because it is in harmony with one's inner peace which extends far beyond the human comprehension or any attempts to further justify it. 

God, I am heartfully grateful for everything that You are  providing me. In the midst my confusion on the human-founded religious institutions, I know that one thing remains true and irrevocable --There is no place where You do not reign and cannot be found. Please help me stay humble so that I may be receptive to and accepting of Your will.

Chasing Dreams: Chasing the Unknown

I'm a girl in my second decade

Amidst the vast chaotic brocade

Half-hearted, I set on foot

By land or by water, I am aloof

Straight faced, I look brave

At the back of my mind I am scared

Where do I start? forward right, forward left?

If I step backwards, will it get me there?

How do I know where to go

Shall I run or shall I walk?

Knees and palm on the ground

Is this how I must trace the world abound?

How do you chase the unknown?

If i look at the stars will I recall?

Will my heart beat at the sight of it?

Or must I make another and learn to live it?

Self Esteem Rebuilding Fucking Day One

I'm afraid....

I'm bordering dysthymia already...Why is it muy muy muy deficil to forget the thought that someone left me. It's not even about that someone. I swear I don't care about him anymore. But still, I feel so unworthy..of anything...anyone...So, I now understand what those difficult patients really feel inside. Tss.

Been fighting this sullen feeling for months...been on counseling...been on Vs, which didn't even help a bit...been eating chocolates everyday....but "it" keeps on coming back. Whenever I could feel a stretch of daylight, "it" instantly drags me down...it's so heavy I am really having a hard time pulling myself up.

I wish I could cure myself. I'm ashamed that I need help. I'm ashamed that I'm depressed...when I'm supposed to be the one helping people get well. But I can't....I can't..I need help too.



And I hate it ='(

Life lately

is...

Monotonous. 

WWOOORRRKKK.. every morning. every afternoon. every evening. every early morning. and same goes for the other day.

I don't even know how to say the word "work" in a very exciting tone already. It just sounds blah.

Monotonous. Yup, that's the word to describe lately. And so is my creativity levels. I bet it's so apparent in this nonsensible post.

No, my days are actually filled of peaks of ups and downs. Am I bordering Bipolar already? Haha. 

I'm disappointed. I'm very disappointed.

And I don't want it anymore. Just because I hate feeling intensely happy then I have to feel alone and sad again. I hate that cycle. I really hate that.

So I don't want it anymore. Ad infinitum.

Whatever that is about...I'd rather be mum about it.

Yes, this post was made not because I care what you will think. I just really need to purge these heavy feeling out before I drown myself to another hellish report.

Water Refill

So..my days are spinning very fast, I hardly have enough time to catch my breath and think twice about things..mostly, mundane things. And on a weekend--yes, on a blessed Sunday, I have to sit down and work on my reports. How unfortunate, actually. I try to pacify myself by thinking, "This is an act of care for the children". Somehow, it gives me enough complacency to stay seated on my bed with this pile of papers. Still, I haven't started on any of it. And I reckon, I'm not gonna finish anything even if I stay up the whole evening.

Clearly, everyone deserves a break. Perhaps, this urge to defer my work on a day where I'm supposed to be resting, is actually an act of sanity. That's why although I am utterly disappointed with my irresponsibility, I could at least forgive myself and take a breather. After all, how can you fill other's cup if you have ran out of water as well?

Still..I'm thankful. I'm thankful that God has blessed me with this job, even though I'm having a hard time keeping up with the responsibility and stress that it entails. Because at the end of the day, I know that with my every hard work, I'm helping someone else's life. 

God guide me, and fill me with more love to share and wisdom to impart.

Princess

I am feeling overwhelmed with all these studying and working...that I often find myself needing to catch my breath. And my confusion regarding my religion is adding up to my stress...

Anyhow, I still believe that God will help through this. He will guide me in all of my undertakings.I cannot share much as I don't have much time to write. But I would like to end this with a beautiful quote:

"I am a PRINCESS not because I have a prince; but because my Father is a KING."

Letter to Self: Balance

I am proud of you for having surpassed the past difficult month. Truly, you are getting wiser and stroonger each day. Do not doubt your capabilities; God has given you talents, use it to fulfill your goals which includes doing good for others. 

I know that you are currently confused about your religious orientation. Keep on searching, never give up until you find what He desires for you. God will enlighten you soon, for as long as you keep your mind open and pure. 

Do not be too hard on yourself though; learn to strike a balance between being "on-the-go" and relaxation. Do not worry to much. Although you need to be in control of most things, leave the rest for prayer.

Continue being strong my dear. Surf among the waves, never let yourself be drowned into the water. God will guide you, just keep your heart open.

- a letter to myself for September 2012.

I'm really busy at work and school these days but I want to give myself a breather. Thus, I decided I would like to take up a new hobby. Hmmmm.......

A Half Day in Solitude

Three months ago, I wrote on my journal "How do you let go and fall in love at the same time?" And three months ago, I held that statement since that was the time when my former beau and I were spending out last days together in Intramuros, a special place for both of us. And yes, that was the time when we were utterly expressing our love for each other while saying our long goodbyes. Actually, reminiscing those moments felt like watching a sad romantic movie. (You know like those old american romantic movies in black and white. The mushier, "corny-er" -- better depiction)

And yesterday, I went back to that place. By myself. I just had to unload the residual feelings from moving on to a place where I know those emotions are entwined. I just had to deal with my feelings on "our spot", cry with it, sulk in it, and after hours...leave it there. I was very emotional and I won't deny that at some point, I began to get teary-eyed. The mere sight of the place truly brings back a lot of wonderful memories, which sadly are, just memories now. 

As I sit on the wall over looking the Manila City Hall and the vast golf course, I closed my eyes and let the feeling of the cold breeze take me. I tried to feel him beside me, so I could talk to him, for one last time. I wrote him a long, tearful, but loving letter..as if I was really talking to him. I wish he could read it. But maybe..I should let him go on with his life, and try not to drag him back to "our past". 

After the hours of saying my final goodbyes to him, I was able to smile and appreciate the beautiful place. Maybe, this will always be a special place for me. Me, alone. And maybe, yes, you can let go and fall in love at the same time. Let go of the sad and resentful feeling while you fall in love with the feeling of hope and peace. 

Perhaps, you can't really ask for closure from another person. Maybe, we are all meant to make our own efforts to find closure to every painful event. Because in doing so, we find our way to the new chapters of our lives. 

This is my way of saying goodbye. "Thank you for the wonderful memories" and "see you  around". 

Why People Grow Apart

People change, feelings change. It does not mean that the love once shared wasn't true and real. It simply just means that sometimes, when people grow, they grow apart. - 500 Days of Summer

I know the feeling of falling in love and falling out of love -- because I have experienced it too. As much as I regret, yes for once, I had to leave another person not because I didn't loved him. We just grew apart. So for my recent failed relationship, I'm trying to rationalize, as to why he left. Sometimes I do doubt if during our happy times, he was just pretending. But maybe....

Maybe what we had was real, I would like to believe it was. 

Somehow, I'm less quizzical about my past relationship. 

Moving on with my life doesn't mean that I do forget my past, nor deny it. I have accepted the fact that no matter how beautiful it was, it still had to end. And in this reality, we're two different beings who is bound to take on two different paths.

Still I'm thankful. I won't be who I am today if it wasn't for him. 

Maybe I'll have another one, who would make our memories fade as we build the best ones. One day, you'l simply be an old friend to me.

One thing is certain, our past was real and it did happen for a reason.

Missing Sunshine

It's been raining hard all day and night long.

Apart from the weather today, I've been missing sunshine. It's been two weeks since I witnessed a beautiful and warm day. Manila is in turmoil as a lot of areas have been flooded. In times like these, PRAYER is our strongest hope. God please graciously help our fellowmen. God, please help us.

I am staying at home with my family as work and school has been suspended. I got the whole day to rest and browse through blogs. In the middle of this chaos, I found one enlightening blog post from this website.

Don't wait. Early in my career, I went to numerous meetings where I was the only woman present. i would want to contribute to the conversation but would think, if I say that, everybody will think it's really stupid. And then an man would say exactly what I hadin mind and the other participants would find it brilliant. I learned that you shouldn't wait to speak. I started listening actively, knowing that I was going to comment on something and having it in my mind that I would interrupt at teh right moment. - Madeleine Albright

There's some truth abouth the statement: It's not what you say but how you say it. 

Take a deep breath and walk into the room with confidence, knwing that you've earned the right to be there. Speak with great intention even though you know that not eveybody is going to like what you say. And that's okay. Instead of getting defensive when someone yell at you, let him or her present his/her side of the situation. There's a real power in being the calmest voice - Kimberly Davis

There's No Such Thing As Forever

Stories about death makes me tear up so fast, even If I'm not related to those people. Its still difficult to digest whenever I get to realize that the dear people we have in our lives right now won't always be there for us...which may not be an active choice; It's just the way things go. Having said that, I further realized that perhaps, it's the notion of saying goodbye that I abhor. We could only do so mush as to cherish each moment we come in contact with other people's lives, may be it an acquaintance or an old pal.

In line with this, I'm going to give myself a chance to break it's silence...So it's been a while...

I've been doing great actually. Been living my life even better than how I have envisioned my life after you. but I won't deny...Yes, I still miss you at times...I still care. I still hope you're always sheltered whenever it's raining. I still hope you're smiling even under a cold night. I still hope you're well. I guess...I always will.

I wish I could tell you those things...I wish I could answer your message...I wish.

But. maybe...

Silence is my way of telling you...that you must live too. That you can do it too, on your own. That I support you, in your decision to move forward, to the life that you think suits you best. That I also wish you to have your own peace of mind...as part of my never ending care...for the man that I once cared for.

Even if it costs my own happiness.

There's no such thing as forever. One day, we'll all have to go. But I'll am very happy and contended that for once...we have touched each other's lives. 

Move forward. Live. Smile.

God's Love is My Unfailing Comfort

Each day is important as I always get to learn something new. Well, I haven't given much importance to that thought until I have come to observe the changes in the way I acquire and establish paradigms on a daily basis. With the failures and heartaches which I have been through, I know that my heart has been humbled down enough to allot some space for listening and feeling for what's outside and inside of me. Now, I could honestly pin point my share of mistakes and which are not part of my control. 

Let's say that sometimes, I tend to focus on things which I have really high regards for that I tend to neglect some more important things in which lie in the background. And I'm thankful for failing...because it made me realize that I still have a lot far more better than what I have lost. 

Friendship. They say friendship is a mutual and continuous effort of extending yourself to another.But real friends are, those who continuously support you even if you have gone AWOL. Friends that are rare to find, but worth keeping. I regret so much about giving less importance to my real friends and those acquaintances who are sincere enough to care for you. Now I know the value of friendship. And I'm never gonna take it for granted, ever again.  

I'm only human, with limited mind and heart to do well with everything. I could only so so much as to keep it open, to it's fullest capabilities and extend as much thought and love as I could. Everything else is a work of God. Despite all the mistakes and failures which I have committed, He continuously showers me with blessings and opportunities to grow and be the best that I can be. And when I'm feeling down, he cradles me with His love, through my family, friends and self-love. 

I noticed that these days, I get to pray less about my wishes...it's just so hard to say "Please give me..." when I feel comfortably happy and contended with what He has given. Rather, I say "Thank You for everything and for those to come". 

Soy Hermosa

So I was the little girl who used to wear glasses with thick lenses and silver braces. I was the little girl who quietly sits in the class, reluctant to raise her hand even if she knows the answer. I am the little girl who downplays herself and her capabilities so she could fit in with the innoncence of her classmates. However, I was the little girl who prefers to join the advance singing, dancing and piano classes because she seem not to fit in her same age-group. I was the little girl who  prefers to talk to adults than play with her friends because she finds listening to others' problems more enjoyable than playing chinese garter or volleyball. I was the little girl who was always afraid of being laughed at for her appearance, novel ideas and surname. So I keep saying that I was that little girl. When in reality is...I'm still her. 

I still feel her whenever I have to present in front of a crowd, when my opinions are being criticized, when I seem not to reach the goals which I have set for myself. I still feel her whenever I have to meet someone new, I fear of rejection, humiliation and to be unaccepted for who I am.

I no longer see her whenever I face the mirror, but I know that she's always a part of me. And I am happy that this little girl has grown up and evolved into someone stronger and accepting of her nature. For real acceptance does not come from what others think of you; rather, it relies on your willingness to accept yourself for who you are. That is something, this little girl will always be proud of. And so am I.

This evening, I have watched an episode regarding the life of Venus Raj, a Filipina beauty queen. I could identify a lot with her, in terms of the insecurities which she harbors and the social situations which led her to that disposition. I am inspired by her perseverance and faith that she will be able to prove herself worthy of acceptance from others. But what actually happened was, she learned to accept herself. And that in itself is the sole thing she needed from the very start.

They say that beauty is in the eyes of the beholder. I say, beauty is not only in the eyes of the beholder, but more importantly, in his ability to accept one's flaws and see one's potentials within.And to be able to see that, one must look into another with a humbled heart. 

Thus, I've come to realize that you cannot really please everybody; for not everybody has the eyes and heart to see genuinely. And that's okay. Because when I learned to accept myself, I already came to see and believe that I am beautiful.

A New Look; A New Perspective

I had this weird urge to cut my hair short for the past two months. But the moment I'm about to have it cut, I always get really dumb-ass scared. I never had short hair in my 22 years of existence, so this is really a big deal for me. But finally...I gave in. Yesterday, mustered up the courage to have it cut with more than half of it's length. Now I have a nice short bob cut! Hopefully, this will cap off all my efforts to create change in my life. From being heart broken, to being numb, and now to being strong and confident. Whew! I hope this lasts! 

To end this short post, I'd like to leave you with my weekly affirmation:

"Realization is a start. Changing for the better is another story. God help me with the latter."

Hoping to have a wonderful week ahead! 

Guarded

People come and go. Period.

I Want Love, Yet I Don't Want It

I have lots of random thoughts to write about. These ideas come and linger on me at any time of the day, and I think they are really worth sharing about. My dilemma is, I can't put these thoughts right away on this blog just as it comes to me. And with that, I've wasted so many ideas to share about. Oh, the pains of not having internet access everywhere! Oh, I just have to rant that these bright ideas usually visit me during my morning travels to work. When reaching a pen and my journal is almost impossible.  

Maybe I need a little break. You know, a little day off with nature. Yes, I've been thinking about going to a cold place surrounded by nature for months already. And probably next month, I'll do my best to fulfill that. Hopefully, my schedule would cooperate.

So that's about it. I'm blunt here in my blog as how I am in real life. Would you agree? I know this post is really trashy, and I reckon that it's not even worth reading even the first paragraph. But I'd love to read about these moments one day, and look back. This is just one of the days when I'm truly bored and lethargic -- and uninspired. Writer's block, as how they term it

Oh, since I've got nothing sensible to talk about, let me just tell you about what I'm feeling exactly just now. 

I want love, yet I don't want it. 

Being a girl who had formal relationships and flings since I was a teenager, with barely pausing just to be with myself, these days in celibacy is starting to chew on me. I guess...

I miss smiling from the moment when you wake up, feeling happy for no reason at all. Then you suddenly remember why...because of that someone. 

I miss cuddling, kissing, and sharing awkward turned to intimate moments with someone. 

I miss taking care, and being cared by. My desires to nurture someone are endless. 

And best of all, I miss having a reason, for doing what I do. For someone. 

Oh, the perils of the idea of being in love!

I want love to be back in my life. Well, it's not necessarily the last person that I love. It can be a new one, or whatever. Love colors our days after all!

At the height of my dreamy wishing, I know, I'm afraid. The sting of the past failure may not be present, but it's still within my reach at any time of day should I call for it.  I fear giving my whole self again to someone, then having to take my self back again should complications arise. 

I know...this is normal. Wanting Love is an essential indicator that I'm actually a normal and fully functional being. But maybe...it's not yet time.

I know I have gained enough respect for myself, and I love myself adequately now. This hard-earned self-love has helped me regain my spirit and be on my feet during those rainy days. Maybe it's sufficient...but maybe...I have to wait for God's time. *sigh

By Nature, I'm Created in His Image

I've been quite baffled over some questions regarding religion and faith lately. It's not that I feel at lost; actually, I feel confident and secured enough that God loves me even when my in couldn't keep up with my faith.

Now, tell me, does the faith that religion teaches us is extrinsic --or intrinsic? Do we have to abide by the scriptures alone, in verbatim? or does the scripture simply symbolizes what it ought to teach us, which can be found around us?

And since God is love, how do we really define love? Is it really irrational, or rational by nature?

Well, those are just few of the things that I have in mind. I have to admit, my proclivity to being skeptical and accepting to possibilities are even strengthened by reading two stimulating novels: Eat Pray Love by Elizabeth Gilbert and The Shack by William Young. Anyhow, here's a some good thought I picked from the latter (This is not verbatim. bear with me for this is my interpretation of what he is trying to say):

Pain has a way of clipping our wings and keeping us from being able to fly. But remember, a bird is not judged by its being grounded; but by it's ability to fly. 

True enough. Sometimes we forget about our capabilities, our potentials because we are so attuned to our failures and shortcomings. I'm keeping a mental note on this one, because by nature, I am created in His image. 

An Ode to June

So, it's been two months. I'm quite stunned. 

Well, the first month was horrible; the latter was rather, a fulfillment. Although not totally strong, I can say that at present, I am happy. But then again, how do we define happiness?

Is happiness, the absence of sadness? I'd say no. It is rather sadness, that is the absence of happiness. You can be happy midst the sorrow, for as long as you choose to rise above it. But sadness itself does not contain any cinch of happiness. 

I know that there are times when I still get caught off guarded and tear up over the past. But as proud as a parent watching her child receive an award, I'm proud to say that I have more control over those little insane moments. I welcome such emotions and let them fly the moment they are done touching my heart, and fell bliss with having done so. They don't define me anymore...they were just a part of me. My past...bittersweet and vivid past.

Relationships are truly healing. There's so much power from the bonds we do form between each one of us. I wouldn't name them, but God knows, I'm heartfully thankful for my family and friends. Whoever you are, thank you.

And June...oh sweet June. Thank you for cradling me safely despite the storms. 

July, be good to me.

Of Wounds and Wishes

Your wishes come form your wounds. Every dream comes from a discontent. Every petition comes from a problem. Without a wound, there can be no wish. Without a discontent, there can be no dream. without a problem, there could be no petition. If everything is going well, what will you wish for? Oh, just another astounding life fact. 

So I had a great weekend. Lots of sunshine and laughter! But I think I wouldn't have experienced this if I haven't wished for it. Though I was in deep pain for the past months, everything changed slowly since the day I humbled myself to God. Or maybe, I just became receptive to His everyday miracles...because I realized...His love, forgiveness and kindness have always been around me/us...it's just that my faith needs some re-sharpening. If you know what I mean.

I wish I could write lengthily, and share to you the things that I have learned from this weekend. But my bed is calling me now, time to rest so I'll be early tomorrow for work. Nevertheless, I;m already delighted that I have nailed a happy feeling here. So I'll always remember the moments when I felt contented and happy. Just as me.

Heaven Forbid Those Tears

"Earth has no sorrow that heaven cannot heal" 

True enough, heaven forbid that I weep when I'm surrounded with the new blooms of my days. Even if I try to brood, my lips do form a smile despite the tremors. Thank you Lord, even though I cannot thank You enough. Speak to me in through the sunlight that caresses my cheeks, enrapture me with Your love through the cold wind, Mesmerize me through the stars alight the vast pitch-black sky. 

Rekindling Faith

Yesterday, I knelt down and prayed. 

Yes, after months of seemingly being an atheist...well, perhaps on face value. But deep down, I know my faith in God was never taken away in my heart. It just took a back seat when the grumpy and demanding guys called "anger" and "jealousy" stole its throne. I waited for the time that my heart would be pacified a little bit, humble enough to ask the two grumpy guys to quietly tip toe out of me. I believe they didn't left that quite easily; Nevertheless, they're gone. Finally, I can usher faith back where it should always be.

The moment I zeroed into the church's atmosphere, I just felt surprisingly happy and light. Ethereal is the word. I could actually hear the words, "Welcome back my daughter, what took you so long? I have been waiting for you". No, it's not the psychotic kind. God knows, I heard it and felt it in my heart. I did not need to say "I'm Sorry" in whatever dramatic way. All I needed to do was to go inside, sit still and feel my heart...Instantly, I just know...I am forgiven.

It made me tear up when I realized, how God loves me and each one of us, so much. That even when you have committed the gravest sin, He would be willing to forgive you just by the mere act of humbling yourself. And that makes me shameful of myself...but also wiser...that I can be more than who I was. I can be a better daughter.

I really like this line from the book/movie Eat Pray Love by Elizabeth Gilbert: "God dwells in me, as Me". And I admit, I am quite happy that we have the same notion about religion. As relayed by her, The yogis believe that the perfect religion is a mixture of several religions. We people usually gets caught into practicing our religious rituals for the sake of it, and not because it helps our spirit towards God. According to Gilbert, she believes that you can "cherry-pick" religion, for as long as you move your spirit closer towards God.

Well, I already have a proclivity towards being unconventional. I dislike labeling, stigma, stereotypical, or whatever means of classifying humans like sorting things into boxes with labels.  So it was not difficult for me to realize, that I don't really need to be strictly a Catholic (which is by all means, my birth and current religion). I can welcome any sorts of practices, with utmost respect for each religion. It does not mean that I'll be a pagan or change religion every month. I have no plans of being baptized in any other religion. All I'm saying is, I won't constrict myself into one practice. Whatever would be helpful in reviving my faith towards God, would be openly entertained. After all, God wont punish you for being a, say, Catholic, Muslim, Protestant, or whatsoever. And whatever practice or ritual are we engaging in, for as long as we recognize that there is only one God, and he happens to live within us, within everything, and even as US ourselves, I believe, the heaven's gate won't close on you.

I know I'll have relapses...and probably be still confused with these human chaos...But at least, I'm moving forward, with God by my side. And I promise...heartfully...that I will never stray again.

Oh Gosh, I can feel my halo is back. And I'm growing little wings too!

Liminal Space

Liminal Space is a term that applies to those uncertain times in our lives when we stand in the "threshold" between the "old" which may no longer work and the "new" which is not yet clear. This experience can apply to relationships, jobs, or those "bigger" issues like belief systems or the purpose and meaning of our lives. Amazingly, these are also tremendous opportunities for growth, clarity and perspective. - thanks wikipedia!

I believe that I am standing in one of the liminal spaces in my life. A lot of things in my life has changed, and are changing, internally and externally. I no longer would like to talk about what I left off in the past. After all, the past should be accessed for mere reminiscing and as a reference for future endeavors, not for blabbing about it in the present. But I honestly know, that there are open crevices in me that are yet to be filled; hopefully my present efforts of relieving my faith, dreams and love for thyself would suffice. Yet, euphoria catches me in mid-air as I muse around my new found streaks of wisdom..from failures...heartaches...And oh, I just feel so blessed to be relieved and free! 

So here I am, setting the ground for a fresh start. Yes, I do miss my old blog of four years, my sanctuary and scratching post for misery and happiness simultaneously. But this I believe, is for the better. And hopefully, this new blog of mine will reflect the "old but new me".

My real name admittedly, isn't Savannah. I'm no freaky identity-thief, I would just like to protect myself from all the evilness the Web world has to offer. I just don't feel comfortable yet, to be all out-and-about of my personal life with my colleagues at work. Anybody here feels the same? 

So why Savannah? I just loved that name..In another world, another time, if given the right, I would name myself Savannah. It just screams "me".

Now, what is this blog about? Oh, I'd leave that one for you to find out.